Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween From My Friend at "SV"

I told y'all 'bout the one costume that was going to be worn today, "Sexy Nurse". Well, she freakin lied.

This was what she wore instead, some stupid Belly Dancer thing.

You just can't trust girls. I am soooooooooooo bummed :(

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Back to "Normal" (Re-Post)

(Ok...I fucked that up...somehow. So, let me start again.....sigh).

I realize that 'normal' is relative, but you get the idea ;)

First, I want to thank everyone, again, for all the compassion that was shown. It's really very cool, and touching, when 'strangers' show you 'the love' :)

I'd also like to congratulate the Phillies....and our resident 'Phanatics', 'the girl' and her sister, Suzie (it's too cool for words, isn't it? :) I thought 'Our Town's Joe Buck did a great job on the telecast. He's one smart guy as well as being one funny fucker, in a very dry way. I was parked next to him last Christmas season at a local mall. Very nice guy...and his wife is pretty hot ;)

Tomorrow, being Halloween, all the girls at "SV" are dressing up (or down) in costumes. I only know the theme of two of them, 'Sexy Nurse' and 'Pocahontas'. I get the former but unless its a 'Poke-a-hontas' thing, I don't get the latter. Anyhow, I'll take my camera and see if i can't get something 'worthwhile' to post ;) Oh, I'm sure the guy we call 'Fat Curt' will be there, wearing the same 'really fuckin hilarious' t-shirt that he's worn every fuckin Halloween for the past 9 years....a 'XXXX' size orange jack-o-lantern lookin thing. Fuck...ok, it was amusing the first 2,3,4,5, times...but man, give it a fuckin rest. It was funny, now you look just plain fuckin stupid.

I liked Halloween as a kid 'cept for those houses that gave you fucked up shit like; apples, oranges, ink pens (wtf?), that shitty 'nickel' candy, which you threw away anyhow, and the absolutely fuckin worst thing of all.....PENNIES! Yeah, just what ever kid wants, a handful of dirty fuckin pennies. All that told me was that these people were too fuckin lazy to go out and get real candy so instead they waited until the last fuckin minute and scrounged around under their fuckin sofa cushions and this is what they came up with. Yes, these people got fucked with...well fuck, afterall it is called 'Trick OR Treat'.

Another thing that got you fucked with was turning your lights off and pretending not to be home. Yeah...even though we were kids, we're not fuckin stupid. Lets see.....its a weeknight (usually), your old, and you're not home....right, we're buying that.

My neighbors across the street pulled that shit for several years, that is until THEY had kids. Now, its like the subdivision is holding a 'Best Dressed Haunted House' contest and they want to win 1st place. I bet they put up a thousand dollars worth of decorations and shit...all that 'inflatable' shit, they even hide speakers in their fuckin bushes so they can regale the rest of the fuckin neighborhood with their collection of 'spooky music'................puhleeze! I don't care for this guy at all, plus his wife is all skinny, no boobs, and has a weird fuckin haircut.

I'd also like to post an 'open message' to the Oriental family that lives down the street: Last year, I let it slide that your 4 kids came to my house for candy, but didn't bother to even put on a fuckin costume, just stood there with their fuckin bags held open. Your kids aren't that little (8-12) that they don't 'know the score'. Plus, you as parents who live in the USA, should 'know the score' as well. I'll still give 'em candy if they don't dress up, but I will fuck with you come spring. You see, thats when you have your 'Annual Garage Sale' and you have to have the subdivision trustee (me) sign off on the permit. So, instead of me signing, you'll get " unerstan".
Hey, its the USA and we have rules....learn 'em.

Happy Halloween, everyone, and remember...don't eat candy and drive ;)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My Buddy, Jim

Jim is a friend of mine that I have known for over 10 years. We met one another at my favorite bar, "SV", and shared many of the same fine 'guy' qualities.

Jim comes in to the bar everyday and sits at the bar with the rest of 'the group'. Real good sense of humor and can 'give shit' as well as he takes it, a quality sorely lacking in most people.

We talk about sports all the time and Jim has always deferred to me regarding baseball, seeing that I am the resident 'expert' ;) We talked politics but Jim showed way more passion for this than me. I deferred to him on this subject. Oh, we also talked about boobs........duh.

Jim owned a small printing business and was very sucessful. As he got older, he cut his hours back some but still worked everyday and was very active.

He had a rough time with cancer a few years back and there was concern that he wouldn't make it..............but he did.

Jim has 4 daughters and he put every one of them through private schools and saw to it that they all got their degree's (as he put it 'I don't want them being dependent on a guy for their self-worth')

Talked to him before I left "SV" Monday afternoon and we both agreed that the Phillies were going to win the World Series.

Jim died yesterday of an apparent heart attack, at work, at his desk.

I'm sure going to miss him.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Efen Ebert

There was some discussion the other day, started on The Warped Mind of Ron's page, about going to the movies. Basically it centered around the cost involved including the the ridiculously high prices of popcorn and soda (or pop ;).

I don't go all that often BUT I did go last night. A friend of mine called and suggested a dinner and a movie. If we go to the show at all, its with this couple. He and I have the same preferences on movie content; 'R-rated', guns, action, and of course.......boobs.

We tossed it back and forth, should we see ' Pride and Glory' or 'Body of Lies? We opted for 'Pride and Glory', for no particular reason other than the trailers we had seen looked good.

Since we're pretty much..uh..old, we decide to go to dinner at 5:30. Thats gives us plenty of time before the 7:30 movie.....and no, around here there aren't any 'Early Bird Specials' at 5:30 on a Saturday night (STFU Elle ;)

We buy the tickets 'on-line' before we go.....$9.00 a I do like this aspect of today's 'movie-going' experience though. Don't have to stand in line with the dumbfucks who are trying to decide at the very last fucking moment which movie they are going to see (Geez honey, I don't know..that one looks good; whatever you think, sugar; no dear, its your choice) FUCK ME!!!! Here's an idea...Have a fuckin clue before you get there!

Dinner was 'marginal'....nothing like plunking down $95.00 fuckin dollars (for 4) for a 'marginal' dinner. Even the 'Cubano Mojita', which is the 'signature' drink of this establishment sucked.

Shoulda known this was a precursor of things to come.

After dinner, we head to the theater. 'Course this ain't no 'normal' theater. It has 20 Fuckin screens, including those with 'theater seating', I-Max screens (2 of 'em), and 'Digital-Projection' screens (huh?...I thought they were all 'digitally projected').

But first, we have to get our popcorn and soda (or pop). So, we get the 'Medium Special'...4 drinks and 2 popcorns.......$30 fuckin dollars for this. Now you may be saying " JUST had dinner!". I know, but like I said, it was 'marginal' and popcorn and soda (or pop) is kinda 'traditional' when going to the movies.

Ya know the movie really doesn't start when they say it will. You have all the 'trailers' shown first. They did show a couple that looked pretty good although some times the trailers are better than the actual movie itself...duh.

One they showed was a comedy, which I normally don't care for, because they usually aren't funny....just stupid. But this one did look good and I like Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon. The movie is '4 Christmases' and you can check it out here: Another they showed was one coming out in December (I think) I'm really looking forward to this one. It's called 'Gran Torino' and it stars Clint Eastwood (who, I admit, I have a man-crush on ;) You can see this at:

Now with the review of 'Pride and Glory' (don't worry, I won't spoil the ending or anything).

It stars Edward Norton & Colin Farrell along with Jon Voight. It's a 'cop movie' and the plot is fairly basic...'good cop versus bad cop'. This movie is LONG....2:10 and I think thats the main problem. Knock off 45 minutes or so and this would have been a pretty decent movie but they didn't and it drags...and drags. Its never a good sign when you find yourself checking the time and telling yourself that 'It has to be over SOON!'. The storyline is disjointed and there's so much mumbling going on you're straining to hear what the fuck it was they actually said. Norton is ok, doesn't show much emotion throughout, Farrell is probably the best and his character does a roller-coaster on what exactly the type of person he is. Jon Voight is, well, pink. His face looks like a baby's butt...I have never seen someone whose color is as pink as his. I found that distracting as I kept focusing on it whenever he was on-screen. Plus, I never could figure out exactly what his 'position' was in the NYPD. He plays the father of Norton (as well as that of another NYPD cop). There are guns and shootings along with a couple of major beat-downs. Oh....a couple of quick flashes of some crack-heads boobs.....but that was disappointing as well.

I give it '2 Efens'....out of 5.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

My Life In Hell (aka The License Bureau)

I would rather have salt AND lemon poured into a cut than to have to go that fuckin place.....but thats exactly what I did yesterday afternoon.

Got a new truck for the company (not "new" new....I have a buddy who got me a 'deal' on a used one) Anyway, had to go get plates (or tags if you prefer) and pay the sales tax. The only thing worse than going yesterday woulda been if I had waited til the last day of the month....thats when all those fuckin Einstein's are there, waiting until the last day of the month, then hurrying in to get it done so they don't have to pay a $5.00 penalty for being late if they waited another day.

Fuck that...I've been an 'Einstein' as well but it's worth the extra $5.00 to show up, say, on the 3rd because normally there's hardly a fuckin soul in there. The last day of the can wait 4 hours....which doesn't sit well with me.

I thought yesterday woulda been good too...fuck, it's the 23rd, way too soon for the 'end of the month rush'. Well, so I thought. I mean it wasn't 'wall-to-wall' but more than I expected. On top of it, instead of the usual 6 women who don't do a fuckin thing 'cept make you jump through hoops regarding the 'necessary' paperwork, they were down to three! Fuck me.....only 3 of 'em.

I hear one guy, who is obviously not real fuckin happy, say "Is it even remotely possible that you ladies save your 'private' conversations until you get off work.....or until there isn't 15 people waiting in line?" Uh oh.....a fuckin rookie. While I certainly admired his courage, I just shook my head at his intelligence. Buddy, you had better pray that you have every 'i dotted and t crossed' when you get up there cuz if you don' are royally fucked. After he made his comment, he kinda looked around at the rest of us, ya know, wanting us to give him the 'thumbs up' sign and maybe an 'attaboy' or two. Fuck way in fuckin hell am I gonna get caught by one of those 'License Nazi bitches' giving you my approval, otherwise, I'll be as fucked as you...and I have a ton of paperwork with me. So, I sorta just stared at the floor.....pretending I didn't know he was looking at me. Yeah....when it comes to standing in lines for a very lengthy time and being afraid I'll be told to 'Come back when you have all of your correct documents', I admit, I am one big fucking pussy.

About 30 minutes pass when they call 'Mr. IshouldaKeptMyMouthShut'' up. I see the stack of papers he's holding and I know there is no fuckin way he's not going to be told to 'come back when you have all your shit'. He's standing at the counter for maybe 10-15 minutes and I can tell there is a 'problem'. These women can be mean and just plain fucking nasty to deal with.....and thats if you haven't done a thing to piss them off. Piss 'em off and they are unlike any sub-species I have ever seen. Clearly he's fucked and I can tell just by watching his body language, he knows he's fucked too. Another 5 minutes or so goes by then I see his 'nazi' get up and go in the back. Oh Man.....whenever they 'go in the back' you are so screwed! They use this as a 'pretense' to go look something up but fuck, what they do is go back and stand around for awhile, not doin shit, then come out to 'officially' tell you what you already knew...."You're fucked buddy, come back when you can find all that mickey mouse shit I'm making you provide just because you pissed me off.....have a good day" Now, these weren't her words but they may as well have been. He gathered up his shit and slowly walked out, all beaten down and shit, while the onlookers were all thinking the same exact fucking thing..'PLEASE DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME!"

License Girl: "NEXT".

Me: Uh...yes, thank you and may I say how lovely your hair looks today?" No, I didn't say that but did think about it, however I knew that this girl, maybe 22-24, with her multiple piercings, her Goth-colored hair, lower back 'tramp stamp' and her total black wardrobe, wasn't going to buy it. So instead, I try the 'nice' approach:" are you?...fairly busy in here today"

LG: (with a bored look).....What do you need?

Me: (Geez....what a fuckin personality) I need to get plates and pay the sales tax

LG: Lemme see your papers

Me: Okay, I have everything separated, hopefully I didn't forget anything..haha

LG: (Not even lifting her head)....If you did, we're open tomorrow.

Me: (Sooooooooo fighting back the urge to say 'You're a fuckin gem, ya know that?") Uh...ok

She goes through everything I give her, twice, slowly.

LG: Whats this? (holding up my 'Fleet Insured Vehicle Identification Card')

Me: ( it comes)'s my proof of insurance. We have all of our vehicles under one policy, kind of an Umbrella Policy thing.

LG: You need a specific one per vehicle (giving me that 'Don't you know a fuckin thing look'). Get it and come back.

Me: (knowing full well she's wrong and no way am I going to let this 'techno-punk-rocker' get away with this...and frankly tired of her 'I work for the State so I don't have to be pleasant' attitude) Call your supervisor. I've supplied this for years and have never had a issue with it, plus, I have no intention of 'coming back'.

She just sits there and gives me a look, with those dumb fuckin cow-eyes of hers (If cows wear black eye shadow that is).

Then, she grabs her stamp and starts stamping the papers. Looks at me and tells me what I owe.

I write the check, get my plates, and hurry the fuck outta there.

Sometimes, no matter how big a wuss you are, you just have to 'stand up' ;)

Monday, October 20, 2008

A Pretty Good Weekend...for a change

Whew.....the weekend was pretty much a non-stop affair. I told ya about my buddy coming in from KC and of our plans.

Saturday, I did not go to 'SV', as is the norm. I had shit to do (I always have shit to do but usually blow it off until Sunday afternoon) and knew there was no fuckin way I was getting anything done after my buddy showed up, cuz we had 'plans'.

Did have to take daughter to the airport because its 'Fall Break' and she just HAS to go somewhere. After all, she's had 8 weeks of classes and geez, who could handle that schedule without heading off to Florida for a week? Amazing how organized she can be when it involves 'fun stuff'.

My buddy got in and I had the yard all done so off we went to watch the Texas-Missouri game, at another bar, not 'SV'. We had our 'Mizzou' shit on, ready for the most anticipated game of the year. #1 Texas, ripe for a beat-down. #11 Mizzou, gonna show those skeptics how the game is really played. Boy, this was going to be alot of fun! Ok, that 'fun' lasted for about, oh, 15 fuckin minutes when they were down 14 zip. Got worse, 35-0. We had all the fuckin fun we could take so we headed off to another bar, where my buddy, Tom and his band was playing. This was so much better...real good music and 'hot' chicks by the score, most of them I knew from 'SV'

One girl, whom along with her sister I've known for years, is 'hot' and a really sweet girl. I hadn't seen her sister for quite some time so I asked about her. Her sister was one of those girls who was pretty much the 'wallflower' type. Very cute but shy. Majored in Chemistry and had landed a very good job with a large Chemical company.....well, that was before she discovered alcohol and cocaine. Got fired from there and according to her sister, is going downhill at 'warp speed'. Even going as far as performing 'oral favors' in exchange for coke. Very troubling...and sad.

Anyhow...we had a great time there and it was almost 3:00 before we got home. Drank more than normal. Actually, if I have more than 4-5 beers, thats more than 'normal'. In this case, I probably had 10-12...or 20. Not real sure. What I do know, is I woke up with one gifuckinnormous headache.

Oh man....hurt to open my fuckin eyes. Took 3 aspirin before I went to bed...yeah, that fuckin worked. Up at 7:00...well, sorta 'up'. Layed there and cussed myself for being so fuckin stupid. Gobbled down 3 Excedrin, drank a 1/2 gallon of OJ and stood under a hot shower until the pain subsided....well, subsided some. My buddy got up, wanted breakfast, so I told him to 'go fuck himself'. He started calling me a 'pussy' and laughing at my 'condition'. Well, fuck that...I'll show made breakfast. Actually, that seemed to have a positive effect, much to my relief as we were leaving in an hour to head down to the Rams game.

The game started at Noon and we got there by 11:00. Some friends of mine have a huge 'tailgate thing' there before every game so we went there. FUCK....I said "I wasn't going to drink today!"

Only had a couple before the game so not too bad. The Rams were playing Dallas and the stadium seemed like it was 1/2 full of Cowboy fans...with 2 of 'em sitting right next to me. Hey, I don't have a problem with rooting for your team and all, just don't being a fuckin dickwad when you're doin it....especially when you're in a venue that isn't your own.

So, I sit there listening to this one jackfuck yap and yap...being critical of everything St. Louis. Now I'm as critical as they come, but I'm from fucking here so I'm allowed, plus, he's talkin shit about things that aren't even football related. Finally, I am unable to contain my normally soft-spoken self. I turn to Asshat;

Me: (At this point the Cowboys are down 21-7) Man...your team you can you watch this embarrassing shit?

AH: We're only down 14..there's plenty of time.

Me: Bullshit...time is running out....they're fucking done. Man...they really suck.

AH: Uh...must feel good seeing that the Rams have only won 1 game.

Me: Must feel good gettin your ass handed to you by a team that has only won 1 game. Uh, what's it been, 12 fuckin years since 'America's Team' has even won a fuckin playoff game? Thats fuckin pathetic.

This kinda shut the fucker up and believe me, every single fuckin time the Rams did something good or the Cowboys fucked something up, I was all over the dickface....showing no fuckin mercy...when they're down, fuckin kickem....besides, he started it....and besides, I was still hungover. Finally, they couldn't take any more and left. I told 'em "Thanks for coming...enjoy that flight home".

My buddy wanted to do a bar stop or two before we got back to my house but I reminded him that he had a 4 hour drive and probably not a good idea ( the thought of more beer was not appealing to me in any way, shape, or form....and at least I didn't make it sound like I was going 'all wuss' on him ;)

He left about 6:00..............I was in bed by 9:00. Perfect ;)

Friday, October 17, 2008

Friday....'bout fuckin time

It's now 45 minutes til the blessed horn sounds (okay....I really don't have a horn but ya gotta admit, that would be sooooooooo fuckin cool!)

Been kind of a rough week, either that or I'm turning into a big-time fuckin wuss who can't handle 'the day to day' anymore. Hmmm......please lord, don't let it be the latter.

I actually have total weekend plans for a change. I mean plans other than the normal doin the yard shit, goin to 'SV', and watching football/baseball on TV (or re-runs of Law & Order). My best friend, a guy I've known since we were 9 (and went to grade school, HS, and college together) and now lives in Kansas City, is coming in tomorrow for the weekend and we're going to 'SV' Saturday night to watch the Missouri-Texas game and then Sunday we're going down to the stadium to watch the Cowboys slaughter my fuckin hapless Rams. Oh, and I have to get the grass cut before he gets in. Hmmmm.....ya know, other than my buddy coming in, my plans really aren't that fuckin different than any other weekend.

One of the girls at 'SV' asked me if I had any extra tickets for the game Sunday (I do) because she and a girlfriend really wanted to go. Okay, this is known as a 'dilemma'. Why would two girls, both extremely hot and both extremely 'doable', with boobs 'out to here' cause a dilemma you ask?

The answer is really pretty simple. When these girls are together, they get drunk. I'm not talking the slurring of some words and being a little off-balance drunk. I'm talking screaming 'FUCK YOU' at the top of their lungs drunk. I'm talking showing their boobs at the drop of a hat drunk. I'm talking the likely hood of having to carry their drunk asses because they have fallen down drunk drunk. Don't get me wrong...I have no aversion (duh..) to the word 'fuck' and I certainly enjoy seeing boobs, and I don't mind helping someone up if they fall....BUT, not inside a stadium that holds 70,000 fuckin people with some of them being customers that I know. There are also families seated in the area where my seats are. I don't want their kids or anyone else being subjected to constant cursing or the sight of boobs being flashed semi-frequently. I don't want people to complain and then find myself and my 'posse' being escorted out by stadium security. So, I didn't tell her I had the 2 extra tickets.

Sigh................................................I got fuckin old.

Monday, October 13, 2008

"Lyin Fuckin Prick..."

Those are the words I muttered when one of my tech service guys told me he was quitting. Well, let me back up some.

Two weeks ago, on a Monday morning, I come into my office and find a resignation letter (with the 2 weeks notice) on my desk....from the same guy I just walked past, out in the shop. 'Course he didn't say a fuckin word, just was in a hurry to load up his service van and go out on his scheduled service jobs.

So, I go to him and ask 'WTF is the deal?" He tells me he just can't get along with the Service Coordinator (a female) that she yells at him about not taking the needed parts the day before (which he knows he's supposed to do), for not turning his time cards in on time (which he knows to do), and accusing him of 'modifing' his time cards (which I know he does).

A couple years back he came in and said he was quitting because he couldn't get along with the Service Manager. I told him I would talk to the other guy but in the future, if he had a problem he should see me about it before it got unbearable. He agreed. I talked to the Service Manager and all was taken care of.

I ask him why he didn't come to me sooner about this. That didn't I take care of the aforementioned problem? "I should have but I know you think she does a good job" (He's right about that, best person EVER in that thankless, stressful, fucking job). He said it wasn't him, it was his wife making him quit. WTF???????? He was coming home in a bad mood ALL because of the Service Coordinator and his wife was making change jobs. Oh, and we ended the conversation with "I'm going to give you my full 2 weeks, I wouldn't just up and quit on you..I'm not that type of person, you have my word on that".

I knew something was bullshit here but I let it lie a couple days because he said 'I'll try to talk my wife out of it" ....all along resisting the very strong temptation of saying 'If thats really the fuckin case then you are one big fuckin pussy".

A couple of days pass when I talk to him again. This time, the subject is MONEY...I fuckin knew it. Seems a competitor had offered him more. As much as I didn't want to (I'm short a service guy now because one is out with back surgery) I went more than he was being offered. Caught off-guard because all he could stammer was "uh...lemme talk to my wife and I'll tell you tomorrow (a Thursday) ".

Thursday comes and goes...nothing, 'cept I hear through the office grapevine that he's been asking one of the guys here 'What should he do? almost on a daily basis. Hmmm....thought it was all about is wife and it being her decision.

Friday.... nothing 'cept I'm still hearing he's asking others what he should do. WTF? By now, I am getting fucking pissed...make a fuckin decision and tell me. Saturday was the day I left for Alabama so since I hadn't heard anything I figured he'd draw this out til I got back on Wednesday and then he'd only have 2 more days left til his '2 week notice' was up...ya know, he's not the type to up and quit, plus, I have his 'word'.

I call in the office Monday morning and am told that he had left his van in the lot and his keys, cell phone, and gas card on a desk. No note, no phone call, not one fucking thing.

"Lyin Fuckin Prick" are the words I uttered. Here's a guy I gave a job to 7 years ago when his 'painting company' wasn't producing any income for him or his family. A guy who got a DUI in his own vehicle but nevertheless raised our insurance $1400.00/year for 3 years....and he still got his yearly raises. A guy who's cell phone bill ran $150-$250 in 'overages' for 6 months in a row all because he 'couldn't stop his wife from calling him' (while he was on the fuckin clock btw), a guy who's daughter got sick and I gave him extra days off...WITH PAY, a guy who right before 'year-end bonus' time fucked up a big job and cost us over $6000...yet he kept his job and still got his bonus. Uh....sorry....I'm sure you get the picture.

Am I pissed.........fuckin right I'm pissed but not really that he quit (altho the timing wasn't good) but the whole fuckinsleazeball way he went about it. Am I fuckin way. There isn't a fuckin thing that people fuckin do that surprise me anymore. Does it make me look at doing things for people a little more judiciously.....not yet because I feel like if I can help an employee out, I should. When the day comes, and it may be closer than I realize, that I quit givin a fuck, then that'll be the day its probably time to put this place up for sale.

Just before you start thinkin "Oh....Efen is such a nice and caring guy, wanting to help people when he can"........keep this in mind....If this fucker ends up homeless livin in a fuckin cardboard box, so fuckin be it....I won't lose any sleep.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

NOW I'm back

Plane landed yesterday afternoon, only 45 minutes late but anytime you have to connect through Atlanta, 45 minutes late is like being early.

The last I left you, I was on my way to the hotel for the National Sales Meeting. Not a bad place as it was situated right on Mobile Bay. Off the room was a porch where you could sit and watch a pod of dolphins every morning. Pelicans every freakin where. I think they must be our version of pigeons. Also, since the hotel had a $250 'fine' they'd charge if there was 'evidence' of smoking in the room, I'd sit on the porch to do this. Signs everywhere saying 'This is a Non-Smoking Facility'...BUT for some reason it was ok to smoke at this 'outdoor cafe patio'....regardless of the whole 'total non-smoking facility' thing....and no, not because it was outdoors as they had several others that you couldn't smoke at (I know...the preposition with it;) WTF???

Saturday night was in the bar watching football. There was a girl sitting next to me and we struck up a conversation. I figured she was probably in her late 30's. We're talking and she mentioned she had a daughter. I asked her "how old" her daughter was. She replied "27". I was in fuckin shock. So, I delivered what was probably my smoothest line ever..."No way...what were you, like 13 when she was born?" Uh...guess that wasn't one of my brightest moments. I mean, I wasn't implying that she was a slut at 13, only that she looked too young to have a daughter 27. was pretty apparent that she she thought that was exactly what I was implying. She had been all friendly and shit prior to 'my moment', even do the 'arm touching thing' when she was talking to me. After that, her demeanor did a 180 and it wasn't long before she up and left. Damn..she was pretty hot looking too. Oh well...I wasn't taking her back to room least I don't think I was ;)

Meetings were pretty good and since my Sales Manager went with me, it was pretty much his responsibility to pay attention and take the needed notes. As is normal with any large gathering, there is your usual percentage of jackoffs present, some I've known for years.

One fuck in particular, I'll call 'Bill', is a guy I can short doses. Unfortunately, we were part of an outing that required quite a bit of time together, like 6 hours worth. I had signed up for the deep-sea fishing deal but I was invited to a 'Sporting Clays' event the day before. Since the weather was a little iffy and the water was choppy as hell, the alternative seemed like a good idea. I like to shoot but never had done one of these deals before.

The definition of 'Sporting Clays', if you are not familiar is: Sporting Clays is a form of clay pigeon shooting. Often described as golf with a shotgun[1], the sport differs from trap and skeet shooting in that:
1. It is considered by many to be more difficult than trap or skeet.
2. It involves shooting clay targets at multiple locations (called stations).
3. Unlike trap and skeet, which are games of repeatable target presentations, sporting clays targets are thrown in a great variety of trajectories, angles, speeds, elevations and distances.

So, a group of us meet after a quick lunch to go to this place. I volunteered to drive since I have to be in control of getting to and from. 'Bill' was there and said he'd ride with me. But 1st, I had to hear how "he had brought his own $4000 gun, how he is a member of an 'exclusive' shooting club, how he shoots 2-3 times per week, how much money he takes from his shooting partners cuz they wager a lot of money on who's the best, etc etc".....fuckin shit like that. I was ready to shoot the fucker before we had even left. On top of that, it took an hour and half to get to this place and this guy NEVER shut the fuck up the whole way. Oh, he had his Beretta Shooting Vest, his amber-colored shooting glasses, and his special shooting ear-protective device...Gimme a fuckin break. This guy looked like he should be on the cover of 'Real Expensive Shit for Dumb-Fucks' Catalog.

After about 3 hours we finish and my shoulder is sore as a motherfucker from pulling the trigger 100 times. 'Bill' tallied up the scores cuz he was all about 'competitive shooting' even though 4 out of the 7 had never done this kind of shooting before. 'Bill' hit 63 out of a hundred, I hit 59, with a rented (albeit a good) shotgun. Not like 59 is fuckin Annie Oakley or nuthin but geez...I figured 'Bill' was Olympic caliber and he only hit 4 more than myself. I so wish I woulda beat his braggin ass but I made it close enough that he toned down his 'I'm so fuckin great act'. Next time I'll bring my 30 year old Remington 1100 and do my best to make him cry.

Plane was leaving yesterday morning from Mobile at 9:00 AM. Since the airport was about an hour and a half away from the hotel, I told my sales guy that I wanted to leave by 6:15 AM so we'd have enough time to return the rental and just in case we ran into rush-hour traffic in Mobile. It was closer to 6:30....and it was fuckin raining...hard. He had the map because we were told of a 'short-cut' that would save us 15 minutes or so. We hit I-10 and I guess thats where he figured being 'map guy' ended. Problem was, we had to exit I-10 towards the airport at some point. I'm assuming my valued employee was paying fuckin attention but did think to myself 'seems like we shoulda turned off by now'. I knew I was correct about that when I saw the 'WELCOME TO MISSISSIPPI' sign. Thats right...we were now in a totally different fuckin state! Motherfuck...I look at my watch and it's 7:45 AM. Fuckin great! I pull off at a gas station and see a guy fillin his truck so I thought I'd ask him how to get to the fuckin airport which happens to be in a state thats not this one.

Me: Hey buddy...can ya tell me how to get to the Mobile Airport?

Him: Uh...ya mean the Mobile, Alabama airport?

Me: (uh oh)..uh...yeah...that one

Him: I'm thinkin y'all head back up I-10 there.

Me: (fuck me) Well, yeah, but thought maybe you knew of a different, ya know, shorter way?

Him: Naw...I never been there but that I-10 will get y'all pretty close.....I think.

Me: (I am fucked now) Yeah..ok...thanks.

I'm getting ready to head back to the highway when I see this guy talkin to another guy and then 'new guy' walks over.

NG: Mobile Airport?

Me: Yep...know any way that may be quicker than I-10?

NG: Fuck man, y'all don't want to go back that way. Besides longer they got the whole East Bound lanes all fucked up...y'all be sittin in that shit for an hour. Just go up 'chere to the light, turn right, go 'bout 10 mile, then right 'gin, take y'all right inta that fuckin airport

Me: (I liked this guy and trusted his judgment right away. Wasn't ashamed to say 'fuck' to total have to admire that in a person). Thank saved this guy sittin next to me's job.

Went the way he said and got there with 30 minutes to spare. 'Course the fuckin plane was 20 minutes late leavin but if we'd been late you can bet that fuckin thing woulda been on time.

I think I've come full circle with that whole "GPS' thing.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

I'm Here...

'stead of writing one large post upon my return, since I have a few minutes I thought I'd share a few of my moments, to date.

If one has a portable GPS or has access to one, I strongly recommend bringing it along with you, especially if you're in a foreign land, like Alabama.

Rented a car (actually, some kind of 'crossover' thing at the recommendation of the nice young lady at the Car Rental counter.....uh...did anyone happen to guess she had BIG boobs and wore a low-cut top?) The car is ok, that fuckin 'generic' map they give you blows....big time.

From the Mobile airport to the resort I was headed isn't that far....but, the 'straight line' thing really wasn't an option because Mobile Bay is in the way. So, I have to go North, then east, then south. The problem was the South route. It shouldn't have been but the map showed a road that the State of Alabama didn't think it was worth actually putting up any signs showing it.....or the map was so outdated the 'State Route Number' shown was obsolete. Either way...I drove 20 miles too far south. I know I've fucked up somewhere along the line so I stop at a little roadside market to ask directions.

Me: Excuse me, I'm in need of some directions.

Old Guy in Overalls: Ya gotta map there.
(Hmmm.....sensing some hostility for disturbing his Zen time)

Me: Yep, you're right but the damn thing musta been printed up North sumwher cuz it's wrong. I'm tryin to git to heah (as I point to the map)

(Since my Mother is from the South and I've been around Southerners my whole life, I can do the 'drawl' thing pretty good)

OGIO: Hehe..prolly so...lemme see now....jist go back 'bout 20 mile, go on left at the High School...nuthta 2-3 mile, you're there.

I thank him and head back. Along the way, and I swear this is true, I go through a town and see this little restaurant called 'Roadkill Cafe'.....and above it is a handpainted sign in very vibrant colors, probably 4 foot high and 15 foot long, that shows a 18-wheeler going down a road that has rabbits, deer, possum, and raccoons lined up all along the side the road. Motherfucker.....this guy either has the biggest sense of humor in the world or he really thinks he has hit on a marketing bonanza....I almost swerved off the fucking road laughing my ass off. I so wish I had a camera with me.

I did as the guy told me and turned at the High School. The only hitch was then I drove another 4 miles or so and nothing, so I stop at small 'Crafts & Gifts' store to get more directions. I go in and ask the lady where 'The Resort' was and she was pissed. Evidently she had given out these directions all day long and was tired of it. She told me but also added "And when ya get there, tell those SOB's at the hotel they need a sign down the road because I don't have the GD time to tell people how to get there!" I liked her.....I woulda said the same damn thing ;)

More to follow.....................

Friday, October 3, 2008

Redneck Riviera

I'm headed off to Alabama tomorrow, (and no....there is not a banjo involved) until Wednesday, for a National Sales Meeting. There should also be a considerable amount of drinking and general debauchery, so that should temper the actual 'meeting' part of it.

Supposed to go deep-sea fishing on Tuesday, something I have never done, unless you count fishing for catfish in the Mississippi River. Anyhow, that should be fun.

I may not be 'active' but if I get a chance, I'll do my best to drop in.

Ya'll be good ;)