My 'No Cost' Hunting Trip

As some of you may know, I hunt from time to time. Deer, turkey, dove, quail, squirrel, rabbit and even feral (wild) hogs a couple of times.....nothing too exotic and nothing that involves more than a 3 hour drive.

Well, that is about to change (the driving part). I have never done the waterfowl thing, ducks or geese. I always figured that whenever the weather is the worst and the hunting is the best, then I wanted no fucking part of it.

But...I got a phone call about a month back from one of our Factory Rep's. Since evidently we had done quite well for him and his company this year, he called inviting me to go on duck hunting deal with him and 3 other guys. Told me that it wouldn't cost me a thing 'cept the gas to get there. He had it all set up at some 'duck lodge' in NE Arkansas, guides and dogs, and best of all, heated fucking duck blinds ;)

Now I know pretty much about the stuff I normally hunt but I have no fucking clue about ducks. I mean I know a fuckin duck when I see it but I don't have a fucking clue as to what kind it is....and it seems like this is a fairly important part of it.

(I'm sure I'll lose 95% of my readers from this point forward;) So I start reading up on 'FAQ' about ducks, the recommended guns, the shot size, ya know, the general 'how to' shit. I did know that back in the '80's the guvment made it a law that you had to shoot steel shot instead of lead. I also knew that I couldn't shoot steel out of my present shotgun as it would damage the barrel...and aint no fuckin way was I going to do that.

I have quite a few good friends who hunt so I ask them if they had a 'duck gun' I could borrow. No luck as none of them duck hunt either. So I figure the most cost-effective method would be just to buy a new barrel for my shotgun. I do some checking and see that this will set me back about $250. Not thrilled but figured, wtf?

I drive out to Cabelas in the pouring fuckin rain this past Saturday. Big fucking mistake....place is as crowded as your everyday NASCAR event. FUCK.......forgot about all the Christmas Cabelas gift cards as well as all the fucking 'returns'. Plus, it took me an hour to get there in the monsoons we were having so there was no way I was turning around. Make my way through the mass at the 'gun counter' and take a number (WTF...is this a bakery or sumthin?)....my number was 98...and they only go to 100 and then they start over. I look up at the 'Number Now Served' counter and its at 72...fuck me and fuck this duck shit. But..I figured I just wander around in this behemoth of an Outdoorsman wet dream and kill the time. Gotta admit, got some very cool shit in there, especially if you just won the state fucking lottery or sumthin...kinda pricey I thought.

Finally I wander back and their on # 95. Perfect! A couple of minutes pass and they call my number. I approach the guy (hoping like hell he did know his shit) and tell him I want to buy a new shotgun barrel that will shoot steel. This guy is good....real fucking good. Starts out with "Now I don't want to say anything that may make you spend more money but...." 1st we talk the price of the barrel which I already knew. Then he asked me the age of my shotgun...I tell him about 30 years. he then compliments me on the gun and says 'You probably should take it to a gunsmith and have them put in new springs, O-rings, etc etc before you go, if its that old....that'll cost you between $75-$100..but well worth it'. Hmmmmmm......have to agree with him on that. I would hate to drive 5 hours only to have my gun fuck up.

He then says...'you know, when its all said and done you're going to have spent close to $350 for a barrel. That's quite a bit.....for just a barrel. Hmmmm....gotta admit he had a point there too. So, being a person of my own mind, I ask him how much a new shotgun, one that will shoot steel, would cost. He hands me over the latest model of the model I own.....oooooooo...started to sweat a little. 'Go ahead....sight it like you would pulling the trigger'. Oh mannn....it was so very orgasmic-like. I then ask...."how much?" It was like finding out the cute girl staring at you was an $800 hooker....which coincidentally was the price. "Nope....I aint spending that kind of fuckin money for sumthin, which who knows, may be a 1 time deal". He gives me that 'understanding' nod.....fuck, I felt like I let him down or something.

Not wanting to appear unappreciative of his advice, I ask him what else does he have. He brings out another.....looked pretty nice, not the manufacturer I preferred, but still looked impressive. Uh.....how much? "$550........and thats the last one we have". Shit.....the last fucking one.

Well fuck....I know what y'all are thinking cuz I'm thinking the same damn thing. BUT....I mean, $350 for a fucking barrel? How much sense would that have made???