MidLife Crisis?...More Than Fuckin Likely

For the past few years, there has been something I have really wanted to get my hands on (Ok, Elle and the girl..you can run with that ;) It's something I have dreamt about but have never acted on..........until this past Sunday.

I'm talking a car. Not just any car but a bad-ass 'muscle car', one from the late 60's. That was when they made fuckin cars that would rattle your windows when they just came down the street. None of that modified Japanese shit that they pass off as 'today's muscle car'. Fuckin puhleeze...

Anyhow, I was looking in the paper Sunday and saw an ad.

It read (in part) : 1968 Pontiac GTO, Color Red Interior Black, 400 4 bbl, 4-speed, 350 HP. Excellent Condition. Must Sell!

I read this ad over and over, already in my mind, clearing out the 3rd car garage side for this thing of beauty. Now this won't be an easy task cuz I have that space filled with my mowers, workbench, 2 table saws, and various other things that I haven't touched in 8 fuckin years ('cept for the mowers). Fuck it, I thought.....no big deal. I'll figure sumthin out....even if it means parking my regular vehicle outside.

So, I call the number listed. The guy was real nice and gave me directions. When I asked "How much you askin?" He tells me that I really need to see it first and then we'll talk price. Ok...I aint no fuckin rookie when it comes to buyin shit (except in this case) and I know better to 'leap before I look' but the excitement was too much and it overcame my natural sensibility. So, I told him I'd be right over.

As my 'senses' slowly returned, I knew the more excited I appeared, the higher the fuckin price would be. Fuck, you don't discount sumthin when you have a wide-eyed, slack-jawed idiot goin thru his midlife-crisis, standin there jumpin up and down like its Christmas morning!

All kinds of shit came to mind before I went there. Should I dress like a fuckin hobo?; Should I wear my John Deere cap?; Should I even fuckin shave? My one problem would be that no matter what I decided on the above, it would be the vehicle I would be pullin up in. I drive a fairly new SUV and its one of the nicer ones. Notice, I said 'drive', not 'own'. It belongs to the company and it was not new (It was a year old and had 1700 miles when the company bought it). But I knew that wouldn't make any difference to the 'seller' as he would figure 'this guy will pay what I ask'.

So, instead I drive into work and swap it for our 2001 Dodge pick-up. I know how shit works and figure I've just saved myself some bucks. Sometimes I marvel at myself ;)

I didn't have that far to drive and when I pulled up...........there it sat, all clean and perfectly shined, the tires gleaming, the chrome sparkling....it was my dream come true. The seller was good..he had the car parked on the side of his house, in the grass with nothing around it to detract from the car itself.

Everything was perfect........................EXCEPT there was another guy looking at...AND..this fuck had driven up in his 2-seater Mercedes...well, fuck me. This guy was about my age and he had on one of those fruity little french lookin caps...not a beret, but fuckin close enough to be cousins. WTF??? This fuckin guy had no fuckin business even lookin at a car like this...he was already drivin what suited him to a fuckin 't'. Oh well....suck it up and try to look 'indifferent', I told myself.

The seller came over and we talked about the 'general' shit you do when you're looking at a car. Him tellin me how well he had maintained it, that it was his Dad's and he got it when his Father passed away. Me actin all 'I'm really not that interested'. Sonofabitch.....this car only had 63000 original miles on it (thats what he said anyhow)!

Then, he said "Would you like to drive it?" FUCKIN WOULD I! ...but, I instead said, "well, sure...just to check it out, ya know".

He gets in with me, leavin MrFuckinMercedes standing there, given me 'that look'. I put the key in the ignition and "VROOOM, VROOM, VROOM....man o man, it was almost orgasmic! I take off and we're fuckin flyin, in 2nd gear, before I realize it. I back it down and tell the guy I'm sorry..he just laughs and says 'What the hell, thats what you're supposed to do in this car". We drive for maybe 20 minutes and I gotta say, I felt like I was 17 and Katie Marie was in the backseat...in her cheerleader outfit ;)

We get out and he tells me whats he's asking. A little more than I had hoped, but still fair. MrFuckinMercedes had evidently already been told what the price was, plus he had driven it as well (I knew this because I had to move the seat back cuz that weasel lookin fucker was maybe, 5'4".

While I'm standin there thinking this thing through, the Mercedes prick pulls my guy aside and starts talkin all low and shit. I see the seller get that 'Oh Boy' look on his face and then he comes back to me and says "Uh...that guy just offered $1000 more than I'm askin. As J-Fab would say "fuck me running". I was close to playin that 'OH YEAH......WELL I'LL GO $1500'........but, I didn't (sigh). I figured he'd jump up again and then what?

I shake the guys hand, thank him and then start that long 'deadman walking' walk back to the truck. Then, I turn to and go back to the seller guy, hand him my business card and say "Listen, if this guy has trouble coming up with the cash, gimme a call". Mercedes Boy gave me his 'I outta kick your ass' look, but it was weak, at best. I gave him my 'try it and I'll shove that fruity hat up your ass' look. My look was waaaaaaay cooler ;)

It was a long drive home though.