Hookerween

Over the past week or so, I've been in and out of several stores and one thing seems to have caught my eye. Halloween costumes......if you can call them 'costumes'.

Back in 'the day', the costumes were things that people wore that generally made them look scary, sweet, or funny.

Halloween costumes, now it seems, have fallen into two general categories. First, there are the costumes for men and boys. Second – and this is the far larger of the two groups, from what I’ve seen – there are the costumes for hookers. Shopping for Halloween costumes these days is a lot like hanging out at Dr. John’s (local sex shop), but with less personal lubricant. Everywhere you look, there’s a 'Naughty Nurse' or a 'Slinky Vampire' or a 'Sexy Police Officer'. It’s crazy. This trend has even made its way down to the pre-teen sizes.

A friend of mine's daughter, 'Megan' (not her real name), is too tall this year to wear anything from the kids’ sizes. She’s graduated to the pre-teens. Apparently this also means she’s graduated to dressing like a pole dancer. At least, that must be what the costume-makers think. One outfit my buddy told me about – to which 'Megan' took a particular shine – was called something like “Candy Corn Princess.” He said the package, which had a picture of a girl who looked to be about 14 wearing the dress. The dress had lots of yellow and orange and it basically made the girl look like a five-foot-tall piece of candy. But the skirt was really short. Really short. His wife was hesitant to let 'Megan' try it on, but the kid was so taken with it that they let her give it a whirl. Besides, 'Megan' didn’t see the picture the same way he and his wife saw it. She’s 11 and just saw a cute dress. My buddy and his wife saw Jamie Lynn: The Early Years. Fortunately, 'Megan' is shorter than the girl in the picture, and on her the skirt was long enough that they are at least considering it. They didn’t pull the trigger on it, mostly because they were worried she’ll be cold while trick-or-treating in a dress in late October, but the Candy Corn dress is an option. Still, though, like him, I was surprised at the fact that this was even an issue they had to deal with at all.....for an 11 year old!

Since when did Halloween turn into Dracula-Meets-Caligula? Listen, don’t get me wrong. I’m a guy. As a guy, I’m a huge fan of 22-year-old girls (unless one happens to be MY daughter) showing up at Halloween parties dressed like they’re going to spend the evening giving lap dances. I’m a little bit upset that this trend arrived on college campuses well after I graduated, but you know, I just need to let that go. It’s fine. I’m letting it go.

The thing about this whole trend toward Hookerween is that, well, this isn’t a college town. There are plenty of women in this town who can pull off a 'I’m Sorry Did I Drop My Pencil Pirate' costume and really rock it. God love ‘em; they make the world go round. But, I’ve been to the mall. I’ve been to Six Flags. I’ve eaten at Cracker Barrel. This town needs somewhat more modest Halloween costumes, and it needs lots of them. I'm sure most women look at what kind of costumes are available and realize that no way are these going to be worn in public by women who have the audacity to be a size 6 or higher. No wonder so many good-looking women are convinced they’re fat. So, listen up, if you’re one of the companies that makes Halloween costumes, help a guy out here. I’m sure I’m not the only guy who will say that he doesn’t want his daughter dressing like an exotic dancer, and he doesn’t want his wife to think she’s fat because 'Naughty Secretary' is not entirely flattering on her. OK? Just a few more of the regular costumes. That’s all I’m asking you for.....because there will be a few of these worn by women who should stay away.....far, far, away.