My Trip To The Mall - Part 1

I know I said I was going to post a story regarding how I came to say 'fuck' in front of my daughter (she was 16 at the time) but that will have to wait for another time. The reason will become obvious below.

Ok, I'm not a big 'mall guy', in fact, I hate the fuckin mall and everything it stands for. The soccer moms (don't misunderstand, I love soccer moms but do they all have to be there at once wearing their 'IF I really DID play tennis, this would be the outfit I would be wearing!), the fuckin mall walkers who have decided YOU'RE the one intruding on their space, the rude and incompetent sales help (help?? wtf!) AND.......the worst of all, those fake smiling 'I-wish-I-was-a-real-model' bitches who do their best to ambush you and spray some kind of nauseating smelling shit on you. These aren't all the reasons but you get the idea.

My trip started because my daughter, whom I love dearly, but doesn't always use the best of judgment (see, told you she was my daughter :) had a 'crisis'. Ya see, over the 4th she and a group of friends went to an area lake. One night they all went out to a place that I only know as 'Dad, it is sooooooooo ballin' (Uh, no, I was afraid to ask). While there, they run into some more friends who have a boat (no, this didn't thrill me either) and they all decide to go out on the lake to watch the fireworks. Keep in mind, since they were at the 'Soooooooo Ballin' place, they were all dressed up, ya know, heels and all. Well, since heels and boats don't really mix, the heels come off. Along the way, the boat stops and picks up more people (must of been the size of the fuckin Queen Mary). After the fireworks were over, the boat starts dropping people off at various points and my daughter and her friends were dropped off last. All was fine until she discovered her 'Most Favorite Jessica Simpson' heels had been stolen. When she told me this a few days later, I asked her if she was sure she hadn't just lost them? "No way, Dad. My shoes were right on top of my purse, right where I left it!" Are ya'll with me on this? The fact that her purse wasn't stolen as well didn't seem to mean all that much to her but these prized shoes with some bimbo's name on them were irreplaceable. This leads to all kinds of phone calls to several area malls by her, desperately trying to find another pair because she just 'has to have them' for our trip to Vegas. Finally, after being 'so bummed' for several days, she finds them and has the place put them on 'hold', but not at a mall thats close. Since she 'works' for me in the summer (translates into: flexible starting hours, flexible quitting hours, an abundance of vacation, etc) I do prefer her to be actually working to collect her pay, I told her I would go and pick them up. Of course, she was very appreciative, especially since she didn't have to drive the 40 minutes one-way to get them.

My Trek: I leave work about 9:30 to get to this fuckin place when it opens (10:00). My journey takes me through an area where suddenly, everyone thinks they are part of the Tour de France and the fuckin roadways are their personal Velodrome. These dickwads (mostly males) are fucked up beyond belief. First of all, they're all decked out in those bright neon-colored, skin tight outfits that reminds me of crankbaits that I have in my tackle box. Then they wear that fuckin ridiculous helmet that makes them look like the monster in 'Alien'. Of course, they all ride proudly on top of their $4000 Cannondale bikes, from one fuckin Starbucks to another after drinking their 'double-latte-light cream-extra fuckin foamy-mochas I assume.

But, the part that just SO pisses me off is the fact they really think they can ride in the same fucking lane as any motorized vehicle, only at about the 1/10th of the speed and fuck anyone who happens to be behind them. As you can probably surmise, this is exactly what I encountered. This particular road is 2-lane and there are stop lights every fuckin 1/2 mile so traffic never really gets up to any decent speed. I'm sitting at a light and watch this bicycle prick barely hesitate as he passes me and goes through the light. Thats fuckin great, prick runs through a red-light at one of the busiest intersections around.....and escapes unscathed. Light changes and guess who now has the motherfuck right in front of him..going about 15 mph. I am not too happy about this because he isn't making any effort to move over at all. Oh yeah, fuck those sidewalks he could be riding on, the paved road is so much smoother on his fat-ass. Now, I don't want to cause the fucker any harm, I just want him to move to the shoulder so me and the 88 cars behind him can get by. Finally, he fucks up and I fly by the prick hoping the wind from my SUV blows his ass off the road. That doesn't happen but at least I'm ahead of him.......for about 30 fuckin seconds. I come to a stop light. This fuck, who for all I know is from France and there aren't many things I hate worse than France and its chickenshit French inhabitants, passes ME on the right then pulls back into the traffic lane and stops at for the light...with me 2 cars back. I swear I wanted to go all 'meth-head' on his ass. As luck would have it, mine, defintely not his, the 2 cars in front of me turned off, leaving me right behind him. Now, am I wrong here to be a little 'upset'? This fuckin jackoff won't let anyone pass, he won't get the fuck over, but he'll pass everyone he can on the shoulder when we're all stopped at a light, then get right back in the traffic lane. No, I am not fucking wrong and above all of this, it's just plain fucking rude and rudness is another thing I can not nor will not tolerate. I am now within 12" of his rear tire. I'm in a big, white, kingofthefuckin road SUV that gets about 8 fuckin miles per gallon and its 100% American made, plus its one heavy fucking vehicle, alot bigger and heavier than his fruity little bike. I don't know if he's 'aware' or not so just make sure, I honk, and I honk fucking steady. 'Bikeboy' looks back, kinda alarmed, and, I fuckin kid you not, starts trying to petal faster! I mean, WTF? Just move the fuck over. But nope, same shit. I would think most people, even pricks like this, realize that as a driver of any gas-combustion vehicle, all you have to do is press down on that gas pedal alittle and it speeds you right up. Which is what I did but now, I'm about 99% prick and I am not going to follow this fuck for another 8 miles. Then, I see an opening, not really an opening but there wasn't any oncoming traffic so I pass the fucker, pretty easily I might add ;) Up ahead there's a light and we both get stopped by it. He's right behind me, and I know this whole scenario is going to get repeated, so I get out.

Me: What the fuck are you doing? Either move over to let others by or use the fucking sidewalk!

Bikeboy: Man, I have as much right to the road as you do.

Me: Fuck you! You're a selfish prick who thinks you look cool in your Liberace outfit. Stay the fuck out of the way or I'm going to turn your bicycle into a unicycle and shove it up your ass.

Bikeboy: (giving me his best impression of an angry look)

Additional Motorist Who has Stopped: Hey you cocksucker, get that motherfuckin bike outta my way or I'm going to kick the shit out of you right fucking now! (Obviously, while I admired certain traits of this stranger, he's just not quite as eloquent as I would of preferred).

Bikeboy: (says nothing, rides off on his bike, on the shoulder ;)

More to follow in "Part 2".