Suburban Wildlife (and how to drive them to extinction)

First, if you're one of those 'PETA' freaks, bring it the fuck on.......I dare you......really, I fuckin dare you!

I live in the suburbs and I like it. I lived in the city years ago. Didn't like it. Among the things I prefer about the suburbs is it's more like living in the country (sans meth labs) with more social amenities. I also like the wildlife............to a point.

My normal routine is to go outside on the patio, every morning, with my coffee, my cigarettes, and the newspaper. I enjoy this and I also enjoy watching the birds at my feeders and the occasional mother racoon with her 3 offspring. I've even seen a few coyotes. I used to enjoy watching the squirrels and the semi-regular sighting of a chipmunk.......as I said, I used to.

I mentioned the bird-feeders. These also double as squirrel-feeders. That was fine as long as they stayed on the ground and ate the sunflower seeds that fell. I have a 'squirrel-guard' around the feeders and that works...........mostly. But, evidently one of these little fuckers has evolved enough to figure out a way to circumvent this level of feeder-protection. I know this because I see him hanging on the feeder and in no time, emptying it out. Now, I'm not a cheap guy but these fuckin sunflower seeds go for about $22/50# bag and I've gone through 2 bags in the last 3 fuckin weeks. I've watched and it's only 1 squirrel accomplishing this feat. He's easy to spot as his tail is quite shorter than the rest of his rodent brethern. I was willing to live with this annoyance UNTIL the other morning, I look out and see the little motherfucker chewing on the wooden column that supports the roof-overhang on my patio! I'm not talking a little chew mark, I'm talking about a 6" long x 3" wide chunk, forever gone! I mean WTF??? This little bastard now prefers fucking wood to sunflower seeds??? I tell one of my buddies at "SV" (Elle knows this place...which will be in a later post ;) about it and he's all "Well, you can get some spray and use it about twice a day and it 'supposedly' acts a deterrent, it's about $12 a can". Yeah, I'm gonna spend $12, spray the column 2 times a day, and HOPE it works. Fat fuckin chance of that. I have a much better idea and one that I know I don't have to 'hope' works.

I have guns, quite a few of them actually, besides one that likes to hunt, I am a firm believer of being able to protect my loved ones and my property, to the fullest extent, if need be. I have no qualms about this and I don't apologize for it. If you pose an immediate threat, I will take immediate action. This also goes for property-destroying squirrels.

Part of my 'arsenal' includes a pellet gun, the greatest remedy ever invented for 'rodent-control'.
So, I 'stake out' the bird-feeder. Unlike deer or turkey hunting, you don't have to 'camo-up' for this and rising at 4:00 AM is not a prerequisite. You pretty much just go about your normal routine (coffee in one hand, Marlboro Medium in the other) and wait. Waiting took until about Page 3 of the Sports section. I see the little fucker happily bounding across my yard, first stopping to eye the column, then me. I guess he figured "I'll chew that that thing after that dumb fucker goes in the house". He saunters over to the one feeder and just stares up for a bit. Then, he backs up, takes a run and leaps to the 'guard' and uses this a spring-vault to the feeder. Actually, it kinda of impressed me but I was not about to forego my mission. He immediately starts shoving the seeds in his rat-looking little face forgetting about 'dumbfuck' on the patio. His error. Ya know, you can barely hear a pellet gun go off when you squeeze the trigger. I know it didn't. Hopefully, he doesn't have any 'evolved' siblings.