My Life In Hell (aka The License Bureau)

I would rather have salt AND lemon poured into a cut than to have to go that fuckin place.....but thats exactly what I did yesterday afternoon.

Got a new truck for the company (not "new" new....I have a buddy who got me a 'deal' on a used one) Anyway, had to go get plates (or tags if you prefer) and pay the sales tax. The only thing worse than going yesterday woulda been if I had waited til the last day of the month....thats when all those fuckin Einstein's are there, waiting until the last day of the month, then hurrying in to get it done so they don't have to pay a $5.00 penalty for being late if they waited another day.

Fuck that...I've been an 'Einstein' as well but it's worth the extra $5.00 to show up, say, on the 3rd because normally there's hardly a fuckin soul in there. The last day of the month.....you can wait 4 hours....which doesn't sit well with me.

I thought yesterday woulda been good too...fuck, it's the 23rd, way too soon for the 'end of the month rush'. Well, so I thought. I mean it wasn't 'wall-to-wall' but more than I expected. On top of it, instead of the usual 6 women who don't do a fuckin thing 'cept make you jump through hoops regarding the 'necessary' paperwork, they were down to three! Fuck me.....only 3 of 'em.

I hear one guy, who is obviously not real fuckin happy, say "Is it even remotely possible that you ladies save your 'private' conversations until you get off work.....or until there isn't 15 people waiting in line?" Uh oh.....a fuckin rookie. While I certainly admired his courage, I just shook my head at his intelligence. Buddy, you had better pray that you have every 'i dotted and t crossed' when you get up there cuz if you don't........you are royally fucked. After he made his comment, he kinda looked around at the rest of us, ya know, wanting us to give him the 'thumbs up' sign and maybe an 'attaboy' or two. Fuck that...no way in fuckin hell am I gonna get caught by one of those 'License Nazi bitches' giving you my approval, otherwise, I'll be as fucked as you...and I have a ton of paperwork with me. So, I sorta just stared at the floor.....pretending I didn't know he was looking at me. Yeah....when it comes to standing in lines for a very lengthy time and being afraid I'll be told to 'Come back when you have all of your correct documents', I admit, I am one big fucking pussy.

About 30 minutes pass when they call 'Mr. IshouldaKeptMyMouthShut'' up. I see the stack of papers he's holding and I know there is no fuckin way he's not going to be told to 'come back when you have all your shit'. He's standing at the counter for maybe 10-15 minutes and I can tell there is a 'problem'. These women can be mean and just plain fucking nasty to deal with.....and thats if you haven't done a thing to piss them off. Piss 'em off and they are unlike any sub-species I have ever seen. Clearly he's fucked and I can tell just by watching his body language, he knows he's fucked too. Another 5 minutes or so goes by then I see his 'nazi' get up and go in the back. Oh Man.....whenever they 'go in the back' you are so screwed! They use this as a 'pretense' to go look something up but fuck, what they do is go back and stand around for awhile, not doin shit, then come out to 'officially' tell you what you already knew...."You're fucked buddy, come back when you can find all that mickey mouse shit I'm making you provide just because you pissed me off.....have a good day" Now, these weren't her words but they may as well have been. He gathered up his shit and slowly walked out, all beaten down and shit, while the onlookers were all thinking the same exact fucking thing..'PLEASE DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME!"

License Girl: "NEXT".

Me: Uh...yes, thank you and may I say how lovely your hair looks today?" No, I didn't say that but did think about it, however I knew that this girl, maybe 22-24, with her multiple piercings, her Goth-colored hair, lower back 'tramp stamp' and her total black wardrobe, wasn't going to buy it. So instead, I try the 'nice' approach:"Hi...how are you?...fairly busy in here today"

LG: (with a bored look).....What do you need?

Me: (Geez....what a fuckin personality) I need to get plates and pay the sales tax

LG: Lemme see your papers

Me: Okay, I have everything separated, hopefully I didn't forget anything..haha

LG: (Not even lifting her head)....If you did, we're open tomorrow.

Me: (Sooooooooo fighting back the urge to say 'You're a fuckin gem, ya know that?") Uh...ok

She goes through everything I give her, twice, slowly.

LG: Whats this? (holding up my 'Fleet Insured Vehicle Identification Card')

Me: (Shit...here it comes) Uh...it's my proof of insurance. We have all of our vehicles under one policy, kind of an Umbrella Policy thing.

LG: You need a specific one per vehicle (giving me that 'Don't you know a fuckin thing look'). Get it and come back.

Me: (knowing full well she's wrong and no way am I going to let this 'techno-punk-rocker' get away with this...and frankly tired of her 'I work for the State so I don't have to be pleasant' attitude) Call your supervisor. I've supplied this for years and have never had a issue with it, plus, I have no intention of 'coming back'.

She just sits there and gives me a look, with those dumb fuckin cow-eyes of hers (If cows wear black eye shadow that is).

Then, she grabs her stamp and starts stamping the papers. Looks at me and tells me what I owe.

I write the check, get my plates, and hurry the fuck outta there.

Sometimes, no matter how big a wuss you are, you just have to 'stand up' ;)