"FUCK....How Did I Miss that lil Fucker???"

Those words will be echoed many times soon. Being that it's mid-August, that means only 2+ weeks 'til Dove Season opens.

Yes, as I said before, I hunt, and Dove Season is most likely my favorite of them all. It isn't colder than a motherfucker like Deer Season, you don't have to walk through the woods and get all full of ticks and chiggers like Turkey Season, and you don't almost puke from the smell of cleaning them like you do with a rabbit.

I've been Dove Hunting (actually it's more like Dove Shooting) for going on 30 years, mainly with the same group (5-8) of guys. Been going to the same area 'bout 2 hours south of here too. Set up a 'friendship' with a farmer who has like a million fuckin acres and he always takes care of us. We always give him cases of beer or gift certificates to local eateries, so it works out great. Plus, he's a little younger than me and his wife is 'smokin'. Yes, J-Fab, we stare at her boobs too ;)

For those of you who are not familiar with this sport, you shoot at them (didn't say you hit them) when they're flying, which is no easy fuckin task. After they've been shot at a couple of times, these little fuckers fly like a fuckin jet, with all the dives and turns. They can be one tough fuckin target to hit with speeds up to 70 MPH. I normally take 10-15 boxes of shells (200-300 shells) and many times I have run out and had to buy more (which means gettin it in the ass by the local retailer).

'Opening Day' is a huge fuckin deal. You have to book a hotel at least 8 months in advance and every fuckin restaurant is packed...at 5:00 AM. More fuckin guys in camouflage than at a 'West Virginia Mountaineer Militia ' meeting (hehe...Efen putting in 'local' references).

Of course, after a late night of poker, gettin up at 4:00 AM aint no easy task. We get all our shit and head off for breakfast. We eat at 'BO's BBQ' every morning. No, we don't have BBQ for breakfast (tho they offer it), just the 'Southern Traditional', like 3 eggs, 1/2 slab of bacon (they also have 'jowl' which is what I prefer), homemade biscuits, and of course, grits. 'Course there's always a 15-20 minute wait because of all the fuckin hunters. Oh yeah....'Bo' employs about a dozen hot-lookin waitress chicks...even 'hot' at 5:00 AM. They aint dumb, some of these fuckin hunters have more money than brains (hmmm.....did I just take a 'shot' at myself? ;)

Speakin of, some of these 'fuckin hunters' look like they should be on the cover of a LL Bean or Gander Mountain catalog. WTF??? Me, I just throw on the shit I've had for years cuz why should I give a fuck how 'hunter chic' I should look? These fucks, have the latest camo-mesh shirts, fuckin hunting pants with 'briar-buster' material on 'em, mid-calf $300 hunting boots, and shooting gloves! Shooting gloves??? Gimme a fuckin break. Oh...they also use walkie-talkies to say shit like "I got one, I see some, I don't see any, I'm hungry"...man o fucking man...I hate these fucks.

Actually, we had one of these 'fucks' join our group a few years back. Brother-in-law of one of the regulars. What a dickface. This fucker wouldn't play poker (I need my sleep), bitched about the local eateries, bitched about his motel room, bitched about the weather, frankly, bitched about fuckin everything. But, he looked 'good'. Never been before but after he was invited to go, went out and bought every fuckin thing imaginable, including shit that was fuckin useless too. Example: Bought a 'dove stool' which was a 5 gallon camo'd bucket w/ a padded swivel seat and doubled as a cooler. WTF?? He'd fill that fuckin thing w/ ice and then bitch that was it was heavy to carry...NO FUCKIN SHIT GENIUS. Oh, he also bought a shotgun, an over-under Browning which set him back like $900 fuckin dollars. Geeeeeeeeez....what a fuckin moron and to top it off, that fuck couldn't hit shit with it. Then he say "I think the sights are off". Bullfuckinshit.....its your fuckin eyes that are off, asswipe. Oh, the best part, we'd have to drive like 30 minutes to where we would hunt. We're out there, it's about 6:00 AM, and I hear "Uh...Dennis...did you bring my gun?" LMFAO!!! This fuckin moron went off and left his gun at the motel. Oh, he had his fuckin 50# cooler though ;) His brother-in-law was sooooooooo fuckin pissed, especially after he had to drive him back to get his gun (I wasn't loaning him my car and the idiot 'couldn't drive a stick', which is what Dennis' car was. LOLOLOL. I told Dennis (who had invited him)..."next year, if you invite him, we're kicking you the fuck out and then you can 'bond' with him on your own". Problem solved ;)

We only hunt until about 9:30 cuz thats when the hunting gets slow. We go back, grab a short nap, then head back out around 4:00 PM and hunt until we have to quit, which is by 7:00.

For dinner, we used to go a place whose nickname is 'home of the throwed rolls'. Yeah, they do that, throw rolls as big as fuckin softballs to you. If you catch it, great, if you don't, they fuckin throw you another one. We used to go to this place when it was only a local place and it was fun, plus the food was really good. Then, the owner built a new place, made a gazillion fuckin dollars from bus loads of charters, mainly off the likes of 'Holy Redeemer 2nd Baptist Church' and 'People To Fuckin Old To Drive To Hillbilly Heaven' (aka Branson, MO). You wouldn't think people would fuckin flock in to see some 16 YO girl bounce a roll off some no-athletic fuck's hand, but thats exactly what they do.....then go home and regale their friends and family with this tale of hilarity. FuckinPlease.... We stopped going there.

Hmmm.....I better check to see if UPS delivered my 'CK' camo hunting cap yet.