Got a few minutes today so I thought I'd check-in ;)
I hope all had a good holiday. Personally, I'm glad it's over.
My Gawd...the amount of paperwork thats involved when someone dies is unfuckinbelievable. Of course, you can't do one damn thing without Certified Death Certificates and when I was asked how many I needed, I had no fuckin clue..so, I guessed and said "6". Seems to me the Funeral Director could have added some advice here. I quickly learned that said amount wasn't near enough so I upped my order by an additional 10.
In Missouri, they don't have any 'laws' stating how soon you get these (as they do in other states) so it took almost a month. Of course, everything was on fucking 'hold' until I could get these. I already had most of the paperwork filled out for the various insurance and financial institutions so when I got the DC's all I had to do was attach and (certified) mail. That was 13 days ago and still haven't received a response from any of 'em. Motherfucks.....yeah, take your sweet fuckin time...I'm in no hurry and don't let it concern you that every additional day just adds to my Mother's considerable angst.
It doesn't appear that my Mother is going to ever the leave the Nursing Home. To recap, she broke her shoulder in October, now, and who knows why, she can't walk, get out of bed, get dressed, etc etc, without being helped.
I came to this realization a few weeks back and at that time, I checked to see what 24/7 care would cost if she went home. The fuckin Nursing Home charges almost $6K/month (now that her Medicare has run out) and 24/7 Home Care is even more. WTF??? I'm still having trouble coming to an understanding as to why exactly the cost is so high (for either one). Yes, she does require assistance and some skilled care. Yes, they provide room and meals..but, at $200 per fuckin day? And...telephone, TV (you provide your own and pay for cable), laundry, medical transportation, toiletries, are all fucking extra? Geez.....maybe it's just me and I'm way off base but.........................
I considered having Mother move into my house but the fact that she isn't mobile creates an impossible scenario. Besides us not being home during the day, it would not be fair of me to Mrs. Efen....even though she said it would be ok.
My sister doesn't have any helpful ideas, actually, she doesn't have a fucking idea at all. All she brings to the party is "make sure you call me and let me know what's going on". Hmmm...I hope when I call you I'm not interrupting anything, like shopping, or napping, or whathefuckever.
One positive thing that is coming out of this is that my daughter is going to be moving into my parents house. I'm having the bathroom gutted and updated along with new paint throughout. My Mother likes this idea and my sister was fine with it...that is as long as I didn't change one thing and kept the house as it was. I asked her if it was one of her kids moving in would she expect them to live as their grandparents? "Well....no, but, I don't think 'we' need to do that much...I want the house to stay pretty much as I remember it, as I grew up in".
Do any of y'all have any fucking idea how hard it was for me not go fuckin ballistic? I understand that she was still reeling from the loss of our Father, that was she feeling considerable guilt for not being around more (not my problem though), that she was finally seeing the fact that our Mother would likely never step foot in her house again, but fuck, time to start being a little realistic though.
I finally gave her a 'compromise' (if that didn't work I was going to tell her that I was going to do what I wanted, because it was my right as one who has taken care of everyone and everything) which basically is going to end up with me doing things how I think they should be done anyhow.
If it turns out she isn't happy with my decisions, I'm going to remind her how all the decisions were left up to me from beginning and if they were good enough then, they're good enough now.
So...in a couple of weeks my daughter will have her own 3 BR, brick house, sort of. I'll take care of the upkeep and related bills but at least the house will remain 'in the family'. My parents had many good neighbors so that will help as well.
Geez....when I was her age, I lived in a 100 year old farm house that I shared with 3 of my drunken and drug-fueled buddies. I'm so glad she's more responsible than I was at her age ;)
12 comments:
Oh, Efen. I am sorry everything is such a pain in the ass.
One reason for the ridiculous cost of nursing homes/home care is because they have to pay more to get qualified people. The job is often thankless and heartbreaking. Most facilities pay almost $5/hour.
Do you want me to come bitch slap your sister?
Wow. I had no idea - about the DC's, the Nursing Home costs. Call me educated, today! Glad your little girl gets your home as her own...so nice to keep it in the family - your sister? When she starts doing something to help you, THEN she gets a "say" - 'til then I with Bitchy! ;)
Sorry to delete my original comment but upon re-reading it I thot it was confusing.
I am so sorry for your loss and the hassle that has followed. My S.O. referes to people like that as "dull tools" as in "it's hard working with dull tools."
Anyways - just some ideas since I have some experience in the in-home care area. I personally am paid $10.50/hour by our county for taking care of my adult autistic son.
The reason being - it's cheaper to pay me $10.50 an hour (that is NOT round the clock pay) than $200 a day for a nurse. However, Medicaid (he is on SSI) is the one who pays me and you mentioned her Medicare has run out.
If Medicaid does have funding for a program similar to this - it's a 6 week program to become an inhome caretaker and you could choose who you want to take care of your mother. A relative, a trusted friend etc.
Are there other programs she might qualify for?? Sometimes the county is alloted money for certain programs above and beyond the usual limit.
Your best source of information will be other adult children who have become caretakers to their parents. The county has a funny way of leaving out pertinent information that could be helpful. So please talk to other adult caregivers.
My Best Friend works for a home healthcare agency. They pay very little so you don't get as qualified people as you would in a nursing home. But the cost either way is astronomical for round the clock care. I hope your father had some sort of insurance policies that will help offset the cost for you. There are also adult daycare programs. I hope you find an agreeable solution soon. I really feel for adults taking care of their parents. It is such a hard situation to be in.
Your daughter is a lucky girl! I take it there is no mortgage on the property. There are some details you may want to know about inherited properties, if you want to email me I am happy to share.
I know what you're going through. My mom died 2 days after her Medicare benefits ran out at a nursing home, so I got a bill for $400. Luckily, after my dad died, he provided her with a monthly annuity of nearly $4K, so there was cash in the bank to take care of expenses. Still, it's all a bunch of hassle and paper work. Also, I had power of attorney, and was on their checking account, so that made it a bit easier. I'm sorry you're going through all this....I DO know how much it sucks. It's nearly identical to my situation a few years ago. {{{Hugs}}}
Dish..thanks honey. I have no doubt that its a 'low pay/low reward' job...but at 6K/month, does it really need to be?
TGG: I know, I learned alot in a hurry...not all to my liking either. She's excited but has been very low-key as to when she gets to move in. I know..my sister..sigh.
Dale and Brennan: I greatly appreciate all of your comments. I can see you have first-hand knowledge. In order for my Mother to qualify for Medicaid, she'd have to dump all of her assests, which is very hard to do and in actuality, isn't something she needs to do. She has the money and I told her "Mother, you and Dad worked hard all of those years, saved and invested, this is what that money is for..to take care of you if needed".
Vinomom: Fortunately, money is not really an issue (altho I hate the fact of her having to spend over $70 thou a year). She's worried that she's spending the money that was earmarked for my sister and me. I told her "We don't want your money..All we want is for you to be well taken care of..and YOUR money will allow that".
No, I'm sure it was paid for years and years ago. The house is going to stay in my Mothers name, as long as she lives. I could transfer the title now, but then I would be hit with a huge tax. Inheriting it would cost me nothing. Luckily my Accountant is also a friend and he's been extremely helpful.
ETW: Then you are very aware of all the BS thats involved. I too, have POA and am on all of their accounts, so that helps immensely. Thanks and {{{Hugging You back}}}
Efen- what my fingers typed and what I meant to say was 2 different things. Not sure about home care, but nursing home LPNs make up to $5/hour more than hospital LPNs. Not sure about RNs. The Husband isn't there yet! Almost...
I'm sorry, honey :(
I don't have any experience with any of this, so all I can do is tell you I love you & that I hope you find some peace and solution soon. My thoughts are also with your mom -- may she find some peace as well.
I miss you!
p.s. Uh, maybe we could assign someone to give me a heads up when you post. You and I are on different non-posting schedules these days, ya know...
We moved into his grandparents house to keep it in the family. It was the right thing to do. So sorry about all your troubles. I hope things settle for you. P.S. I think Mrs. Efen deserves something nice ina Tiffany box for saying it was "ok" :) Miss ya.
I was executor for my mother's estate so I feel your pain. Seemed like there was paperwork and certified this and that for anything that needed done. I'm sorry to hear your mother is not doing well enough to be on her own. If I've learned anything though you will do what is right for her. Hope things become a little easier to deal with for you.
I guess I missed this post :( Sorry to hear about all that.
Glad to hear your daughter will keep the house in the family! How great!
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