Friday, August 29, 2008

Even a drunk hooker won't fall down in these

Sheesh ladies.....if ya'll want to wear some thing practical, no matter the weather......well, here ya go ;) See....they even come in fashionable taupe, cuz I know Elle is 'all-about fashion' ;)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

4 Day Weekend Almost Here!

Yep, taking tomorrow off. Almost did today too but fuck, I have obligations, ya know.

My plans still include 'SV' tomorrow and Saturday BUT they've decided to close on Sunday AND Monday...WTF? You're an establishment that caters to the public and yet you decide to shut down for most of the Labor Day weekend?? Fuck that..........fuckin new owner.....fuck him.

My sister-in-law (semi-hot) from KC is coming in today and staying til Monday.....sigh...which means I'll have to password my fuckin computer.....again. I don't mind her using it but she installs all of that 'Yahoo' shit so she can read her fuckin e-mail and then when she leaves, I have to uninstall all of that bullshit. Fuck that......I'll just 'password' it and listen to her bitch and moan (uh...not 'moaning' in a good way). Besides, there's always the laptop she could use BUT she doesn't like it. Too fuckin bad for her.

Some random musings (hehe....never used that word here before);

Elle made all kind of 'promises' in regards to her 'Grey Goose Weekend' nuthin. Nuthin from Michelle either....WTF is goin on here?

J-Fab isn't falling for my 'hints'.................fuck, I hate it when a girl with big boobs is smart too :(

Hmmm.....I've noticed the other day on ETW's page that a certain 'poster' tended to be alittle 'brusque' with her opinion. WTF? Just because it isn't the way 'you woulda done it' doesn't mean its bad. Fuck.....people do things differently than I do all the time and I don't let it bother me.....uh, er....ok, bad example.

I don't think 'Warped Mind of Ron' likes me. WTF is up with that? I mean, he's never the 1st one to post a comment on MY page.....actually I don't think he has ever commented at all. Geez.....Ron, make you a the 1st 'commenter' and I'll share some real good 'scoop' with you about....well, you know ;)

I have also noticed that ANY post by a girl garners an overwhelming amount of responses. Ya know what, I totally understand and appreciate that :)

I'm still to fuckin stoopid to figure out how to put the actual 'YouTube' thingy in my post, not the link, but that box thing with the 'play' arrow.

J-Fab: Ok, so you wear revealing shit to accent your 'assets' and I'm a perv if I stare?????? Geez........I had no idea you knew me so well.......damn Elle, can't keep her mouth shut ;)

Well, thats a 'wrap'.................................... ;)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Take Me Out To The Ballgame....

Besides boobs, baseball is my number one passion. I want to expound on that alittle.....I AM NOT what you would term a 'casual fan'. I am hardcore. I have had Season Tickets to 'my' team for 15 years. Fuck, when I was kid, me and my buddies would take the fuckin bus down to the stadium every chance we got to see a ballgame. I play in 2 Fantasy Baseball Leagues...these are not 'fun' leagues, these are cutthroat leagues where quite a bit of money is at stake. The point I'm trying to make is that I KNOW the game, how it should be played, and all of its subtleties (and there are many).

Most of my Season Tickets (we have 4 seats) go to our customers, except for the games I want to go to (Fuck'em, I paid for 'em). Oh, I get the occasional phone call from customers that start out "Efen....I know this upcoming series is always sold out, the hardest ticket to get in town, and the only tickets you can get are from scalpers BUT...yada yada yada". Yeah.....I'm givin those up to some guy who bitches if he feels he's been charged $2.00 more than he should have for something.

Anyway, I kept tickets for last nights game. I always get there about 2 hours before game time. You have to park (my buddy 'Nate' owns a lot so he always keeps a prime spot open for me), go grab some dinner, and then walk to the park. Normally don't get to the seats til 15-20 minutes before 1st pitch.

Last night, I found myself w/ 2 extra tickets. It wasn't like someone bailed on me, I just didn't feel like fuckin with callin people to go. So I walked around the stadium and found 2 guys who were tryin to buy tickets. Decent lookin guys, maybe 30, with no obvious prison tats. They were hoping to find some 'last-minute' tickets for sale. Goodfuckinluck with that. Besides being sold-out, you'd have to at least double the face-value if you bought them from a scalper. I tell them I have '2'...they say "how much?". I tell 'em "no charge".

Of course, they looked at me with very skeptic and wary eyes. Fuck, I don't blame 'em. I'd figure I was either a serial killer or gay or a combination of both. I assure them the tickets are real, that they aren't stolen, that my other 2 seats are right next to these, and that I just didn't feel like hagglin over a price. Besides, if someone drives all the way down there, HOPING to get in, then I don't give a fuck about the money, it makes me happy they get to see the game.

Everything is going pretty well 'cept its now apparent that I am seated next to the fuckin 'Chatty Cathy' of the two. Motherfuck......I gave you the tickets, it doesn't mean that I want you as my new best friend. I'm tryin that 'ignore' thing, you know, where you don't make eye-contact and you don't say anything where he may get the impression that you are talking to him...'cept it aint fucking working. His buddy meanwhile, seems to be enjoying the respite he his getting, while I'm listening to this fuck who is tryin to impress me by how much he knows, which is only having the exact opposite effect.

It's about the 4th inning and 'Chatty' is still yammerin away. I've fucking just about had it. I am sooooooooooo wishing I just kept the fucking tickets and extended my 'space'. Oh, it has now escalated to where he is not only calling me 'buddy' but has taken to pattin me on the shoulder whenever he thinks I'm not payin attention to him. I let this go......for maybe 1 more inning. I am losing all fucking patience. I mean, I'm not looking out to be a prick but fuck, when I go to a game, if I talk at all, its about the fucking game, not 'when you played high school ball, and how you were a real 'stud' and how you were undefeated in your senior year' fuckin shit!!

Finally, the 'proverbial straw' happened. This fuck pulls out his digicam. He gives me 'the pat';

Me: Sigh.....yeah?

CC: Buddy, would you do me a favor?

Me: (By not punching you in the fuckin mouth, I presume).....hmm...uh...what?

CC: Would you take a picture of me and Dan?

Me: Uh...okay....but could you wait til the inning is over cuz we have 2 men on and I wanna watch what happens with the next batter.

CC: Well, thats what I mean. We want you to take our picture with the next batter showing up in the background. That would look so cool. (They now BOTH stand up for their picture and I can't fuckin see the batter).

Me: No, I wanna watch this...could you sit down?

CC: C'mon................

Me: LOOK.....I said I would but AFTER! Now please sit down so everyone can see.

CC: C'mon buddy..

Me: Ok, 1st of all, I'm not your buddy, 2nd, I came to watch and enjoy the game, not to chit-chat, so sit the fuck down so people can see!

Chatty and Dan get all red-in-the-face. Well, WTF? Not only was I gettin pissed but the people around who are trying to watch the game are gettin pissed too..............and I certainly didn't want those people to think these fuckin guys were with me. Fuck.....I'm there all the fuckin time and I have a reputation to uphold. Uh...tellin them to 'sit the fuck down' helped re-establish that btw ;)
Chatty and Dan turn to each other, mumble some shit, then they leave....never to return!! last! The remaining few innings were pure bliss :)

Okay, I know its my own fucking fault for giving the tix to these looneytoon motherfucks but why punish me?? I coulda used my own normal 'ticket giveaway' prerequisite (which is mainly hot girls w/ big boobs......well, ok, they don't really have to be that hot) but I was just trying to do the 'nice guy' thing. I swear, I won't fuckin do that ever again. But, I can say 'I tried it once, didn't much care for it' ;)

Monday, August 25, 2008

Life in 'The Bar' Lane

As some of you know, I frequent a Bar & Grill I call 'SV'. Yesterday I stopped in after a couple of hours at work and most of the regulars were already in attendance.

One of the regulars, 'Joe', is a different sort. Works at the Chrysler Assembly Plant nearby and makes it to the bar every day. Get's 30 minutes for 'lunch', calls in so his 'order' is ready (Budweiser and a couple of shots of 'Jager'), hurries in, slams his 'lunch' and then back to work. Of course, after his shift is over, its back to the bar for a few hours of drinking.

You have probably gathered that Joe has a possible problem with alcohol. But, he is one of the nicest guys you would ever meet, very outgoing, and absolutely fucking hilarious.

We had the following conversation yesterday;

Me: Hey Joe, man, you look beat.

Joe: Yeah, haven't been to bed. Spent the night in 'lock-up'.

Me: Oh fuck......DUI?

Joe: Yeah.....fuckers had a 'sobriety checkpoint' set-up in my own fuckin subdivision. What really sucks is that I could see my house from where they stopped me.

Me: Uh...haven't you had a DUI before (knowing full well he had a 'couple' )?

Joe: Yep...this makes 10.

Me: (almost fucking speechless) 10? Did you say its your fucking 10th one????

Joe: don't it? I'm 'going away' on this one. Probably for a year to 18 months.

Keep in mind, while Joe was telling all of this, he had been there for probably 4 hours or so and was drinking one after another.

I don't know about y'all, but even though I do like the guy, I feel ANYONE that has had 10 fuckin DUI's has had maybe 8 too fuckin many! I'm not gonna get all preachy and shit and holier-than-thou, because I know I have driven when I should not have and am aware of the stupidity involved with those decisions. Count it luck that I didn't get stopped and hauled away.

But 10??? My first thought is 'how in the fuck do you not learn from 1, 2, 3, etc??' But...I guess if you're an obvious alcoholic then the number really doesn't matter....instead of 10 I'm sure it could just of easily been 20.

I have also noticed (being the keen observer that I am) that alcoholics (or drug abusers) tend to run with other alcoholics. Joe had told me a couple of weeks ago that his girlfriend had gotten drunk, during the day, lost control of her car and drove through a fuckin construction site. Workers diving the fuck out of the way as she came barreling through until she stopped.....after smashing into a stopped bulldozer. Unfreakinbelievable that no one was hurt. She's now under 'home arrest' and wears one of those ankle bracelet things.....sheesh.

I do drink, but only at night and I may go weeks in-between a few beers.

As I have said, even though I do go to 'the bar' practically every freakin day, I always drink iced-tea....fuckin gallons of it and the only ill-effect from that is that I have to pee every 20 minutes ;)

Hmmmm......I used to be alot more fun because I noticed that the more I drank the funnier I got (along with getting a lot more fuckin attractive ;)

Friday, August 22, 2008

New to this....

Okay, trying this 'meme' stuff (still don't wtf that means ;) at the the behest of Evil Twins Wife :)
Here's the Kris Kristofferson music vid of 'Sunday Mornin Comin Down'....I hope ;)

BTW.....if I can't get the 'YouTube' thingy to work, ya'll will just get the link. Yes....I can be extremely stoopid.

Hope ya'll enjoy.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Are You Fuckin Kiddin Me????

That was my immediate reaction when I read an invitation that came in the mail yesterday. It was a Bridal Shower invitation and guess fuckin was sent to both me and my wife. It 'promised' an afternoon/evening of fun and games. Ok, what the fuck is this world coming to?

It's not my 1st 'Couples' shower invitation. That was when I was Best Man in a wedding and his uppity, crazy as a fucking loon bride thought this would be so 'chic' since 'all the rich folks are doing it'. To put this in the proper perspective, this is the same girl, who on the day of her Wedding, took a shower (a real one) with her brother. That is the honest fucking truth.....which she didn't mind telling, much to the chagrin of her husband. Uh....can you even imagine the fucking mileage I got out of that? Fuck..crazy people, they're fucking everywhere. Oh, sorry, got off track....When that fuckin invitation came, I immediately called the 'groom' and said "What the fuck.....are you going along with this fucking nonsense? He, being the fuckin balless wonder that I knew deep down he was, said "Well, it may be fun. We'll have beer". OK, why didn't you say that in the 1st place? Thats totally fuckin different then.................WTF????? Thats like the fucker who asks you if you can help him move and he says "I'll buy the beer". Since when did beer become as pricey as say a Cartier diamond bracelet? Fuck that, move your own shit and I'll buy my own $7.00 6-pack!

I don't care if they bring half barrels and hand everyone their very own beer spigot: Men do not belong at bridal showers and baby showers. Period. Showers are for women to gather and give out frilly, girly-like presents and talk about gowns and flower arrangements and shit like that. This new notion that men are obliged to attend showers is yet another sign of our society's ill-advised fucking march toward parity in all things. Men don't expect women to sit through a noon-to-midnight Sunday football marathon, or to quote lines from "Caddyshack." That's our job and we're fuckin proud of it.

Yeah, I attended that 1st Bridal Shower and I am proud to say, I got so fucking wasted that I embarrassed anyone that knew me and that was pretty much everyone there. The only things I really remember is Vodka and boobs. The boobs belonged to one of the Bridesmaids...and evidently to me as well. Well fuck, she kept pressin them into me while we danced (yes...dancing at a shower) so, I kinda accidentally touched them. Now I know you're thinking "Geez....whatta fuckin perv, but NO, it wasn't like that at all. Ya see, she was as wasted as me and started grabbing me 'down below', we kinda evened things out there. She wasn't pissed and I certainly wasn't...uh...really can't say the same for her boyfriend or my girlfriend. Just what the fuck do you expect when you invite guys to a shower of any fucking kind? Fuck, the 'bride' got what the fuck she deserved, in my opinion.

Am I going to this shower (daughter of a high-school friend)..............I fuckin think not. I mean, I'm older now and supposedly wiser....wouldn't look good fondling one of the bridesmaids boobs.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Back To The Basics.....

Since I didn't seem to do so well when I stepped outside of my 'realm' ;), thought I'd better get back to what I'm semi-proficient at (I know.....don't end a sentence with a preposition).

One thing I am good at is complaining, mainly complaining about those morons that 'walk among us'. There is no shortage of these fucktards, they are fucking everywhere.

The last few days I have had more than my share of 'encounters' with these dumbfucks.

Sunday morning:

I'm in one of those fuckin 'self-checkout' lanes at the grocery. 2 fuckin items and I'm behind every fuck that has a cart full. I'm watchin these people and its unfuckinbelievable....I mean, just how fuckin hard is it to 'swipe'? Evidently its quite a challenge for some......AND...if they have any produce, well fuck, its all over then. They can't figure out by the 'Picture Directions' above what the fuck they're supposed to do, so, they just fuckin stand there and stare at the monitor. FUCK.....I so badly want to go over and press the fuckin touchscreen for 'em myself. But, I just stand there in total fuckin disbelief. FINALLY...the 'checkout helper' comes over puts this dumbass out of her misery. Does it end fuckin way, now we have the 'let me check through my whole fuckin purse to see if I can find the 42 cents that I need'. Of course, that means not only going through her wallet but scrounging through the bottom of her purse along with all the fuckin side-pockets.........only to come up short! .....I so fuckin hate shopping, of any fuckin kind.

Sunday night:

2:30 AM: Cell rings....and rings....and rings...

I answer: Uh..hello?

Caller: This 'Efens Company?'

Me: (...sigh...FUCK!!) Yes

Caller: This is 'XYZ Printing'....we need a service guy ASAP!

Me: Uh....Your company is on COD.

Caller: WHY?

Me: Why? Because you don't pay your bills, we have to call repeatedly to try and get
our money. We took you off COD before when you promised to pay but then as usual,
you didn't. You still owe us money. Thats 'why'.

Caller: I'm calling your boss tomorrow to let him know that you wouldn't cooperate with
us! He'll be real happy to know that you have a customer who's whole plant is down
and we couldn't get any help from you! I'll let him know we're going to go elsewhere!

Me: Whatever, make sure you ask for Efen himself.

Caller: Believe me, I will and I'm going to tell him how rude you are!!!

Me: Nooooooooo...not that (in a very sarcastic tone)!

The nopaymotherfucker hangs up. I go right back to sleep....very easily :)

Oh....he doesn't call back Monday as he threatened....fuck...I was sooooooo ready ;)


This one really, really, fuckin pisses me off.

We (I) provide medical coverage for the employees. I only have 11 employees but the fuckin cost of this shit has gone through the motherfuckinroof. We have one of the 'top' plans available by what used to be called Blue Cross. The employee is responsible for 10% of the monthly cost. The annual cost of a 'Family Plan' is almost $10000.00 per employee. The employee pays $1000.00 of that, we pay $9000.00.

Every August/September I meet with our Insurance Rep and go over all of our insurance shit. Last Friday he tells me that to keep the same exact plan, our costs will increase by 36% motherfuckinpercent! Thats $3600 fuckin dollars per employee. Geezus...... thats over $36,000 motherfuckin dollars!!! So, he says he'll look at other 'alternative' plans and try to find something close to what we have now and hopefully at a lesser price.

He tells me everyone has to fill out some 'questionnaires' and have them faxed to his office. Fine by me. I put out a letter explaining whats going on, how I'll do everything possible to retain a very good medical plan, and what the associated costs are to the plan we currently have. I tell everyone to take these home, fill them out, and fax them back by today.

This morning I get a phone call from the wife of one of my service guys.

Wife: Efen, I got your letter about the Insurance and FRANKLY I'm concerned about it.

Me: Uh..ok, yeah, I'm "alittle" concerned myself.

Wife: You know, I have to take shots and Insurance doesn't cover it 100%.

Me: Well, I'm sorry about that but I try to offer the best plan possible while keeping down the costs for everyone.


Me: (getting 'slightly' pissed about her fuckin demanding tone) I'm doing what I can but I can't tailor a health plan based on one individual alone, I have to do whats best for the employees as a whole.

Wife: So, it sounds like you're going to reduce our coverage so you can save a few bucks.

Okay, normally I would go through the motherfuckin roof with shit like this.....and, I was "this" fuckin close. But, I know she has had health issues and maybe wasn't in the clearest mindset, so I thought I just let it slide.....until:

Wife: I doubt if you're family will be effected much by any changes.

Okay....well, I fuckin tried.......... but when you fuckin EVER mention my family in a sarcastic fuckin tone, the kid-gloves come right fucking off.

Me: Listen, 1st of all, I tried to explain to you what I am trying to accomplish. If that isn't good enough for you, not my damn problem. Do you know how many freakin companies make their employees pay 50%....or more??? Are you aware that the 'trend' now is that the employees ONLY are covered and that if they want their family covered they have to pick up that freakin option on their own....100 damn percent? If I wanted to save the company money, it would be a very easy thing to do because its MY DECISION and mine alone! Do you understand what I am telling you (So badly I just wanted to tell her to Go Fuck Herself!)?

Wife: I don't appreciate you speaking to me like that and I don't think my husband will either.

Me: (WTF???) I don't appreciate you calling here and telling me how to run my business or giving me that 'attitude' of yours either. And, you won't have to tell your husband about our conversation because as soon as I hang up on you, I'll tell him myself.

FuckMeRunning (hehe...stole that from J-Fab ;)......people, especially the fucking idiots, just don't get it. Oh yeah, I went right out to her husband and he could tell I was not to fuckin happy. He said its 'her medication', I said I was sorry about that but I wasn't going to take that shit, from anyone.

Hmmm.....could I just raise their portion to like 95% and get away with it?

Monday, August 18, 2008

Oprah, Dr. Phil, and all those other fucks...

(This IS NOT a rant at Elle whatsoever, this rant is aimed directly at all of those 'Self-Help' pariahs.....I fuckin hate 'em)

I don't normally do 'Self-Awareness' shit on this site unless I'm tellin ya'll about being aware of some girls boobs, but I felt a moral obligation to Elle, since she has obviously fallen into 'the trap'.
'The Trap' starts by some bitch (guy or girl) in a magazine or on a talk show, telling you;

A) How you should run your life.

B) How you need improvement in your life.

C) All the things you need to 'search your inner soul' about.

D) The things that REALLY shouldn't/should matter to you.

'The Trap' springs when you fall for this shit (such as the '100 Things List')

To all of these loser (yes, it's L-O-S-E-R, not L-O-O-S-E-R to the fuckin morons who have acidentally stumbled on to this site) busy-body fucks, I say, Mind Your Own Fuckin Business!

I'm not sayin Elle has a bad idea (fuck, we all do it), when it comes to 'qualifying' some guy for BF status , BUT, no one needs some fuckin hack that really couldn't give 2fuckinshits about any of us, imparting their infinite wisdom on anyone! They are getting paid to put this shit together. Do you really think they lay around on their fuckin futons thinking " can I improve the lives of total strangers?" Fuck no, they could care fuckin less.....unless they can make some cash out of the deal. Besides, who the fuck are THEY to tell you anything? Would you listen to that fat fuck with the 'one bib off overalls' from down the street just because he has an 'opinion'? Fuck no you wouldn't, so why are these fucks any different?

Since Oprah herself has been so fucking successful with her boyfriend 'whateverthefuckhisnameis' I can see why everyone would put so much credence in what she has to say about 'relationships' (another fucking term I have come to loathe).

Lemme ask you this, any of you, if you find a guy you like, do you then pull out this magical list and start checking things off? And....if he doesn't past this litmus test, do you kick him to the fucking curb? I think not. Girls (and yes, I may be stereotyping here ;) have this thing they like to do, no, take that back, and make it 'NEED' to do. That would be finding a guy, faults and all, and then set out on a mission to change him, thinking all along, "I like him 'cept for these things but thats no big deal because I can make him into the perfect 'Stepford Boyfriend ' I want.
While I totally agree with things like "a job, no prison record, etc etc", the other things are really just your preferences and writing them down doesn't suddenly give you a whole new fuckin outlook on your mate of choice.

Guys have a little different perspective. As long as a girl is;

A) Attractive

B) Smart & Funny

C) Not a full-time drunk/pot head

D) Decent job and able to pay her own bills

E) has boobs (doesn't matter big or not...ok, maybe it does but sometimes you have to play the hand your dealt)

then............she's in. We don't give a fuck about the other shit. I mean why should we? She's already 5 for 5 in the shit that counts. Our 'mental' list is all encompassing. Now we don't want a girl who lives like a fuckin slob or who dresses like a $20 whore (ahhh......the good ol' days ;) cuz if she did, she wouldn't make the cut anyhow because of 'A' and 'B'. They all go together. See how simple guys make it? Just like that, its fuckin done, no hand-wringing over the little shit. Now, she may end up crazy as fuckin bat shit and you're afraid to close your eyes when you sleep but that could happen no matter how many fuckin 'positive-checks' you gave her.

Basically, its all a fuckin crapshoot and there is no motherfuckin way you can prepare for every fuckin scenario that may arise.

While I'm sure this will surprise some of you, I have my faults, the same fucking ones I've had my whole life but sofuckinwhat? I'm overall, a decent guy, one who takes responsibility for my own fuckin shit. I don't blame others for shit I've fucked up nor look for any excuse to covermyass. Even with all those endearing qualities, I'm sure on a '100 List', there would be more than 50 un-checked boxes.

Look at it this way, what if the person you're 'grading' has a fuckin list of their own? one's going to get anywhere because face it, we're all just a little fucked up in our own little way ;)

Okay....rant over. Feel free to tell me to fuck-off, that I don't know whatinthefuck I'm talking about. Please do, it will make you feel better and you didn't have to spend $29.95 for it ;)

Elle.....see the shit you make me do ;)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

"FUCK....How Did I Miss that lil Fucker???"

Those words will be echoed many times soon. Being that it's mid-August, that means only 2+ weeks 'til Dove Season opens.

Yes, as I said before, I hunt, and Dove Season is most likely my favorite of them all. It isn't colder than a motherfucker like Deer Season, you don't have to walk through the woods and get all full of ticks and chiggers like Turkey Season, and you don't almost puke from the smell of cleaning them like you do with a rabbit.

I've been Dove Hunting (actually it's more like Dove Shooting) for going on 30 years, mainly with the same group (5-8) of guys. Been going to the same area 'bout 2 hours south of here too. Set up a 'friendship' with a farmer who has like a million fuckin acres and he always takes care of us. We always give him cases of beer or gift certificates to local eateries, so it works out great. Plus, he's a little younger than me and his wife is 'smokin'. Yes, J-Fab, we stare at her boobs too ;)

For those of you who are not familiar with this sport, you shoot at them (didn't say you hit them) when they're flying, which is no easy fuckin task. After they've been shot at a couple of times, these little fuckers fly like a fuckin jet, with all the dives and turns. They can be one tough fuckin target to hit with speeds up to 70 MPH. I normally take 10-15 boxes of shells (200-300 shells) and many times I have run out and had to buy more (which means gettin it in the ass by the local retailer).

'Opening Day' is a huge fuckin deal. You have to book a hotel at least 8 months in advance and every fuckin restaurant is 5:00 AM. More fuckin guys in camouflage than at a 'West Virginia Mountaineer Militia ' meeting (hehe...Efen putting in 'local' references).

Of course, after a late night of poker, gettin up at 4:00 AM aint no easy task. We get all our shit and head off for breakfast. We eat at 'BO's BBQ' every morning. No, we don't have BBQ for breakfast (tho they offer it), just the 'Southern Traditional', like 3 eggs, 1/2 slab of bacon (they also have 'jowl' which is what I prefer), homemade biscuits, and of course, grits. 'Course there's always a 15-20 minute wait because of all the fuckin hunters. Oh yeah....'Bo' employs about a dozen hot-lookin waitress chicks...even 'hot' at 5:00 AM. They aint dumb, some of these fuckin hunters have more money than brains (hmmm.....did I just take a 'shot' at myself? ;)

Speakin of, some of these 'fuckin hunters' look like they should be on the cover of a LL Bean or Gander Mountain catalog. WTF??? Me, I just throw on the shit I've had for years cuz why should I give a fuck how 'hunter chic' I should look? These fucks, have the latest camo-mesh shirts, fuckin hunting pants with 'briar-buster' material on 'em, mid-calf $300 hunting boots, and shooting gloves! Shooting gloves??? Gimme a fuckin break. Oh...they also use walkie-talkies to say shit like "I got one, I see some, I don't see any, I'm hungry" o fucking man...I hate these fucks.

Actually, we had one of these 'fucks' join our group a few years back. Brother-in-law of one of the regulars. What a dickface. This fucker wouldn't play poker (I need my sleep), bitched about the local eateries, bitched about his motel room, bitched about the weather, frankly, bitched about fuckin everything. But, he looked 'good'. Never been before but after he was invited to go, went out and bought every fuckin thing imaginable, including shit that was fuckin useless too. Example: Bought a 'dove stool' which was a 5 gallon camo'd bucket w/ a padded swivel seat and doubled as a cooler. WTF?? He'd fill that fuckin thing w/ ice and then bitch that was it was heavy to carry...NO FUCKIN SHIT GENIUS. Oh, he also bought a shotgun, an over-under Browning which set him back like $900 fuckin dollars. Geeeeeeeeez....what a fuckin moron and to top it off, that fuck couldn't hit shit with it. Then he say "I think the sights are off". Bullfuckinshit.....its your fuckin eyes that are off, asswipe. Oh, the best part, we'd have to drive like 30 minutes to where we would hunt. We're out there, it's about 6:00 AM, and I hear "Uh...Dennis...did you bring my gun?" LMFAO!!! This fuckin moron went off and left his gun at the motel. Oh, he had his fuckin 50# cooler though ;) His brother-in-law was sooooooooo fuckin pissed, especially after he had to drive him back to get his gun (I wasn't loaning him my car and the idiot 'couldn't drive a stick', which is what Dennis' car was. LOLOLOL. I told Dennis (who had invited him)..."next year, if you invite him, we're kicking you the fuck out and then you can 'bond' with him on your own". Problem solved ;)

We only hunt until about 9:30 cuz thats when the hunting gets slow. We go back, grab a short nap, then head back out around 4:00 PM and hunt until we have to quit, which is by 7:00.

For dinner, we used to go a place whose nickname is 'home of the throwed rolls'. Yeah, they do that, throw rolls as big as fuckin softballs to you. If you catch it, great, if you don't, they fuckin throw you another one. We used to go to this place when it was only a local place and it was fun, plus the food was really good. Then, the owner built a new place, made a gazillion fuckin dollars from bus loads of charters, mainly off the likes of 'Holy Redeemer 2nd Baptist Church' and 'People To Fuckin Old To Drive To Hillbilly Heaven' (aka Branson, MO). You wouldn't think people would fuckin flock in to see some 16 YO girl bounce a roll off some no-athletic fuck's hand, but thats exactly what they do.....then go home and regale their friends and family with this tale of hilarity. FuckinPlease.... We stopped going there.

Hmmm.....I better check to see if UPS delivered my 'CK' camo hunting cap yet.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Mondays....They Blow!

Geez...where the fuck do I start? Get a call this AM from my Service Manager;

SM: Uh....I have a problem.

Me: (No shit...when don't ya?) what?

SM: Well, ya know that back surgery I was having next Monday? Uh..well, I don't think I can work this week, the pills they gave me make me real sleepy and I can't focus.

Me: Sooooooooooo, instead of being off 3-6 weeks it's now going to be 4-7?

SM: I guess.

Me: (YOU FUCKIN GUESS???? Do the fuckin math Einstein!) What about the jobs that were scheduled for you this week? All the other service guys are booked already, you know.

SM: I think we can put them off until I get back.

Me: For 1-2 months???? I don't think so. I'll handle it.

SM: One more thing.....what about my pay?

Me: What about it? You're not going to be working (and I know you didn't hurt your back at work so don't even think about claiming that shit) so I GUESS you'll have to file for disability.

SM: How much does that pay?

ME: (WTF???? You knew you were going to be fuckin off work for close to 2 months and you're now JUST inquiring about that???) Here's their 800 number. Its the employee's responsbililty to get this arranged. It's a State Law, the Employer can't get involved (I have no fuckin idea about that, I just made that shit up).

Now, when you have a full compliment of Service Guys and there isn't anything scheduled, the phone rarely rings with emergenices. BUT, be short a guy and the fuckin phone rings off the fuckin hook. "I NEED SOMEONE RIGHT AWAY!!!!! Fuck......try juggling your scheduled jobs and then throw in fuckin 'emergencies' on top of that, well, I think you get the idea. Efen is not his usual jovial self ;)

After that, I get a call from the blood-suckers who we bought our latest Accounting Software from.

BS: Hi Efen, its Dan.

Me: (I can't stand Dan) Hi..whatcanIdoforyou?

BS: We need to come down and set up that Bar Code software and install that Bar Code printer.

Me: You mean the printer and that little handheld scanner that you just fucked us for $4500?

BS: do have a sense of humor, don't you? Anyway, we'll be down this afternoon. Should only take an hour or so.

Me: (Do you really thing I was fuckin kidding??? $4500 for shit that should sell for maybe, $1200-1500). Alright, do we (I) need to do anything first?

BS: Uh..well..yeah, there are a couple of things you need to do before my guy gets there.

I stopped listening after he got to number 4. Fuck them. When they get here, they can do all that shit. They ain't fuckin paying me to do their fuckin job. If they get here and I sense an attitude..well, you'll read about that on my next post.

Great..........only 7 more fuckin hours til I go home.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

"YellowJackets Are Your Friends" - Fact or Fiction?

I'm sure with the elevated collective intelligence of my readers, you can pretty much see whats coming.

Last evening I went out to cut the grass. Now, a lot of people bitch about this task but it is something I truly enjoy. Besides the obvious sense of accomplishment, I always strive to have that 'best looking lawn' in the neighborhood tag. I work hard at it, put down about a million fuckin tons of lawn shit, water the fuck out of it, and cut it at least twice per week. In my area, especially this time of summer, most lawns look like they're located in the middle of the fucking Gobi desert. Nope........not mine. My neighbors have come to expect this and I feel obligated to oblige. I get that 'lookin good' nod when they walk by and I'm out working on it.

Anyway, I always start with the front and I use my push mower for this. It looks better afterwards than if I had used my lawn tractor. I use the rider only for the backyard. Partly due to the size of the area I have to cut, partly due to the fact it is faster, and partly due to the fact that its out of view of most so I don't need it to look as 'pristine'.

I finish the front, get the rider and start on the back. I'm pretty much in a quasi-dream state when I'm on this. I really don't pay that much attention to what I'm doing because I'm in 'auto-cut' mode. There are times that I'm actually surprised when I realize I'm done. Its just that automatic.

I was cutting around a spot where a tree had once been. Kind of a concave area where the grass tends to grow higher because I really can't get the rider all the way in there. To do it properly, I have to use the weedeater. Last night I said 'fuck that', I'll ease in there, cut what I can, and then ease out. Well, the 'easin in' went fine. I say 'ease' because if you go to far, the rider's tires have a tendency to spin when you try to back out and if you're not careful, you'll find yourself stuck. So, I'm 'in there', slowly inching forward, when I see this 'cloud' out of the corner of my eye. Musta stirred up some moths or some shit. I was right, it was the latter, 'some shit'. Ok, I may talk kinda big sometimes, but I'll admit, as soon as I realized that the 'some shit' was actually a fuckin pissed off swarm of Yellowjackets looking to inflict as much motherfuckin pain as 'insectily' possible, I was in full motherfuckin panic mode. Thank God I was on the rider, if I'd been on my feet, ground level, these little cocksuckers woulda stung me to death. As it was, during 'panic mode', I had crossed that line of no return with the rider. No fuckin way was I going to back-up, no fuckin way was I going to 'ease' anyfuckingwhere. Even though I risked fuckin up my mower, I slammed the fucker into the 'getmethefuckouttahere speed' gear and practically went airborne getting outta there. All the while, I'm swattin with one hand and trying to hold on with the other. The little motherfuckers are all around me and I can feel them bounce off my hand as I desparately try to do everything in my power not to get stung. such fuckin luck. Got tagged twice on top of one foot and once on my wrist. Probably the same fucker got me both times on the foot. The wrist one wasn't too bad so I must have either swatted him off before he really sunk in or he got brushed off when I drove through the fuckin Spruce tree in my haste to escape.

If you have never experienced the intense pain of a YellowJacket sting, then you have definitely missed out. These flying hypodermics hurt like a motherfucker. As a matter of fact, that is the word I kept using over and over and over and over. Not the first time I had the pleasure, more like the 7th or 8th and its funny, one would think you'd never forget just how bad these fuckin things can hurt.

The 'aftermath' is not good. My foot was as red as a fuckin apple and swollen twice the fuckin size. Plus, as a bonus, the pain was relentless. MOTHERFUCK! I knew from my past encounters, not much you can do. I took a handful of aspirins and rigged up a zip-lock bag full of ice which I cleverly held in place by a fuckin rubber band. The ice was the only thing that helped because it froze the fuck outta my foot and helped with the swelling. 'Course, I had to put ice in the fucker every hour or so. I knew it was time to do this when I'd awake feeling like someone was shoving a hot needle in my foot. This went on for about 7 hours until it subsided enough that I could sleep through what was left of the night. Better today, not as red, not as swollen, and the pain is ok.

Next up.......My quest to destroy the fuckin nest and inflict as much tortuous pain as humanly possible on these motherfuckers. Uh...ever hear of 'Poor Mans Napalm?'. Will explain later.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Elle Forcing My Repressed Memory

Elle had asked me to 're-tell' the story of a park that is located near my office, so.....anything for Elle ;)

Even though I go to 'SV' everyfuckinday for lunch, on occasion, I will seek some peace and quiet. There is a park close by that overlooks a tranquil (well, when its not flooding the fuck out of everything and carrying double-wides downstream by the dozens) river. Very picturesque and pretty secluded.

When the weather was nice, I'd go there, sit in my car and read the paper. Usually only me and another car or two. One day I'm there and I notice this pick-up with a camper top pull in. Well, he doesn't exactly just pull in, but circles the lot a few times, giving me 'glances' each time he goes by. I'm thinking 'Buddy, whats your fuckin problem?' So, I do the normal guy thing and just fuckin stare back at him with that 'I may be a serial killer' look. Doesn't seem to faze him much as he pulls into a spot about 30 yards down and up from where I'm parked. While he was making his 'rounds', I did notice a 'Deer Hunter's Assn' sticker on the camper shell. He just sits there and I go back to the Sports page.

A few minutes goes by and in pulls a work van with the name of a local prominent heating/cooling company on the side. This guy parks about 10 feet from the pick-up. I don't pay much attention until I see the 'van guy' get out. He's out but he's just kinda standing there, looking around, giving me 'glances' as well. WTF???? I'm watching but I have the paper kinda up and my sunglasses on so I know 'van guy' can't tell where I'm looking. He turns to the pick-up and walks over. Oh, almost forgot, the pick-up had backed in so 'van guy' was right up to the drivers window of 'pick-up guy'. I can't figure out what in the fuck is going on, 'do these guys know one another?' really doesn't appear they do as they don't seem to be saying a fucking word.

THEN.....'van guy' leans over and rest his arms on 'p/u guys' door, kinda all hunched over. Ok, I've been around some, done most shit including 'ultimate guy fantasy', but I can't believe what the fuck I am watching. I can see 'p/u guy' and his arm going up and down like a fuckin jackhammer and 'van guy' has his fuckin eyes glued to the guys lap...OMG!!!!!! This fuckin freak is whackin-off and the other fuckin freak is watching him...and THEN he leans over even fucking more into the open window.....AND THEN.....'van guys' fuckin arm reaches in and I can see its his arm now going up and down!!! He's whackin this fuckin perv off now....and they're both just looking into each others eyes!! FUCK....I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON....and I'm WATCHING this shit. Really.., no shit, I am in fuckin shock. Granted, I can't see the 'actual' handjob but you'd have to be the fuckin village idiot not to figure out what the fuck was happening. It's like when you drive by an auto accident, you don't like what you see, but you look anyway. Did I mention I was in fuckin shock???? Finally, I guess 'van guy' was able to accomplish his 'mission' cuz 'p/u guy' kinda leaned back in his seat, shook, and that was it. Now, this is the part that I still can't believe, when they 'parted', they just fuckin nodded to each fucking 'nodding' like gayspeak now?? Oh man..I nodded at a guy yesterday.

They then just both drove off. I was also shocked to realize that a guy that had a 'Missouri Deer Hunter' sticker on his truck could be gay. Oh fuck....besides 'nodding' at a guy, I deer hunt too. I think I need to go to a strip club and see boobs....quickly.

Happy now, Elle?

Uh..btw...I'm waiting ;)

Monday, August 4, 2008

Like a fuckin dog... sick as, I mean. I don't normally get sick (knocking on wood), I mean I think in 15 fucking years I haven't missed more than 4-5 days because I wasn't feeling good. Of course there were days where I felt like shit and probably had no business being at work but fuck, everyone has their fuckin responsibilities and shit has to get done (evidently that does not apply if you happen to work for me).

I could tell Wednesday evening there was some fucked up shit going on. My stomach was getting that semi-hurting feeling but I figured it would pass. Wednesday night it went from 'semi' to 'mostly' and I got about 3 hours of sleep. Went to work Thursday but by 4:00 it had gone to 'continuously' so I said fuck it and went home. about hurt. Fuckin cramps (no ladies, I do not care to hear your take on cramps ;) all night fuckin long. Slept about 2 hours. Friday, not any fucking better so again, I said 'fuck it' and stayed home. Actually, not too bad a day, other than doubling over in pain like a junkie going through withdrawls. The 'Western Channel' had some good shit on for most of the morning, then switched over to those 'oh so hard to find' Law & Order re-runs.

An additional benefit to not feeling well was that Friday night we were supposed to go out with my wifes sister and her husband (we didn't). He I like, alot. Funny, intelligent, and doesn't give a fuck. Pretty much my mirror image ;) My sister-in-law, while 'hot', is wound tighter than a fuckin $2 watch. about one stressed out bitch (I use that term lovingly ;) She doesn't 'get' me..........which is really hard to believe since her husband is downright ruthless with the shit he gives her. She can really piss me off with her 'it's my world and everyfuckinthing revolves around me' attitude. A while back, I went out and bought 'Photo Shop', even went as far to take some night classes on how to use it. Now, with this newly learned education I was 'itching' to put it to use. Fuck that 'red-eye reduction' shit, anybody can fuckin do that. I wanted to do something that said 'This motherfucker can really do the shit outta Photo Shop'. It just so happened, during the time I was taking these classes, she called and I answered the phone. "Hilemmetalktomysister". NOT..."Hi Efen, how are you? Watcha doin?"...not one fuckin proper bit of telephone etiquette whatsofuckinever. Of course, I did not let this slide, so I said "Uh..whoisthis?..CanItellherwhoscallin?" Ya know, shit to fuck with her twisted tighter than a ball of rubber-bands ass. She then makes a mistake...a big fuckin mistake.."Oh...I hear your back in school..thats so cute..did you get new clothes...haha". Ok, maybe that was funny, but it was more her 'tone' that really got to me. (Thought to myself; Well, tight-ass, see how hard your fuckin laughin in a few days). I went through all the fuckin digital photos of her that I had, and there were many. Selected the right 'poses' and went to work. It took quite a few 're-dos' but I started getting the hang of it. I had narrowed my selections down to 4, based mainly on facial expressions, ya know, 'every picture tells a story'. When I was finished, I had 6 'pictures' and I must say, they were fucking outstanding, as good as that fake shit you'll find on any well-respected porn site (which as it happens, were my source for everything below her neck ;) I had 'pictures' of her in group sex, lesbian sex, straight sex, and I am ashamed to admit, one involving a farmyard animal. Her husband thought what I was doing was fuckin hilarious BUT he told me no fuckin way was he going to admit knowing about my 'project' prior. I didn't give a shit, I didn't need him running any cover for me. So, time came for the great unveiling. I had been to Palm Springs for a meeting and took quite a few pictures. My sister-in-law hadn't seen them and I knew all I had to do was talk about how good the pictures came out and she'd take the bait. They were over one evening and sure enough she asked to see the pictures. I had them all printed out, mixed in with the real ones. I gave them to her husband first. He tried not to laff his ass off while looking at them and actually did a pretty good job of it. She was giving him that quizzical 'wtf's so funny look' as he passed her the pictures. Let me say, I shoulda had my camera. Those fuckin looks on her face were priceless. She was sooooooooo fuckin pissed but didn't know if she should 'motherfuck me' or just get that disgusted look on her face and blow it off. I think she woulda done the latter if her husband hadn't been laughing hysterically and saying shit like 'lemme see that one again of you and the horse'. She so wanted to get up and storm out but she knew she'd look just like what we accuse her of, so she just looked at me and said "you're really fuckin sick, you know that?". I just said "See what I learned in school". Additionally, I thought how funny (well, too me) would it be to e-mail these to mutual friends. Uh.....Efen's wife wasn't real thrilled about that idea. Hmmm....I don't think she 'gets' me either.