Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Over the past week or so, I've been in and out of several stores and one thing seems to have caught my eye. Halloween costumes......if you can call them 'costumes'.

Back in 'the day', the costumes were things that people wore that generally made them look scary, sweet, or funny.

Halloween costumes, now it seems, have fallen into two general categories. First, there are the costumes for men and boys. Second – and this is the far larger of the two groups, from what I’ve seen – there are the costumes for hookers. Shopping for Halloween costumes these days is a lot like hanging out at Dr. John’s (local sex shop), but with less personal lubricant. Everywhere you look, there’s a 'Naughty Nurse' or a 'Slinky Vampire' or a 'Sexy Police Officer'. It’s crazy. This trend has even made its way down to the pre-teen sizes.

A friend of mine's daughter, 'Megan' (not her real name), is too tall this year to wear anything from the kids’ sizes. She’s graduated to the pre-teens. Apparently this also means she’s graduated to dressing like a pole dancer. At least, that must be what the costume-makers think. One outfit my buddy told me about – to which 'Megan' took a particular shine – was called something like “Candy Corn Princess.” He said the package, which had a picture of a girl who looked to be about 14 wearing the dress. The dress had lots of yellow and orange and it basically made the girl look like a five-foot-tall piece of candy. But the skirt was really short. Really short. His wife was hesitant to let 'Megan' try it on, but the kid was so taken with it that they let her give it a whirl. Besides, 'Megan' didn’t see the picture the same way he and his wife saw it. She’s 11 and just saw a cute dress. My buddy and his wife saw Jamie Lynn: The Early Years. Fortunately, 'Megan' is shorter than the girl in the picture, and on her the skirt was long enough that they are at least considering it. They didn’t pull the trigger on it, mostly because they were worried she’ll be cold while trick-or-treating in a dress in late October, but the Candy Corn dress is an option. Still, though, like him, I was surprised at the fact that this was even an issue they had to deal with at all.....for an 11 year old!

Since when did Halloween turn into Dracula-Meets-Caligula? Listen, don’t get me wrong. I’m a guy. As a guy, I’m a huge fan of 22-year-old girls (unless one happens to be MY daughter) showing up at Halloween parties dressed like they’re going to spend the evening giving lap dances. I’m a little bit upset that this trend arrived on college campuses well after I graduated, but you know, I just need to let that go. It’s fine. I’m letting it go.

The thing about this whole trend toward Hookerween is that, well, this isn’t a college town. There are plenty of women in this town who can pull off a 'I’m Sorry Did I Drop My Pencil Pirate' costume and really rock it. God love ‘em; they make the world go round. But, I’ve been to the mall. I’ve been to Six Flags. I’ve eaten at Cracker Barrel. This town needs somewhat more modest Halloween costumes, and it needs lots of them. I'm sure most women look at what kind of costumes are available and realize that no way are these going to be worn in public by women who have the audacity to be a size 6 or higher. No wonder so many good-looking women are convinced they’re fat. So, listen up, if you’re one of the companies that makes Halloween costumes, help a guy out here. I’m sure I’m not the only guy who will say that he doesn’t want his daughter dressing like an exotic dancer, and he doesn’t want his wife to think she’s fat because 'Naughty Secretary' is not entirely flattering on her. OK? Just a few more of the regular costumes. That’s all I’m asking you for.....because there will be a few of these worn by women who should stay away.....far, far, away.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Federal Buyout.....

I don't normally deal much with political issues on my site because we all get enough exposure as it is. On top of that, I feel everyone has a right to their opinions (ok....to a point ;) But since this 'buyout' thing is a huge fuckin mess, I thought I would add my '2 cents'.

I don't know enough about the bailout plan to say one way or another. All I can answer for sure is that neither Bush, Obama or McCain are even remotely capable of coming up with a plan like this on their own...whatever 'plan' gets approved will only be approved with both parties blessing. That 'should' mean that if it fails both are guilty but neither will admit that down the road and if it succeeds both will take credit...90% of all politicians suck. It's naive to keep blaming presidents for 'bad economic cycles' or giving them too much credit when they have very little to do with success in a 4 year term.

I don't believe any one person by himself makes or breaks an economy of this size...that being said, if you insist on looking to point fingers of blame for todays real estate/banking/housing mess feel free to go back to 1977 and Jimmy Carter for his creation of CRA (Community Reinvestment Act). Without boring you with the 'details' Jimmy's creation of the CRA explicitly instructed federal and state bank examiners to assign bad CRA ratings to banks that did not 'lower their credit standards' to help the low to moderate income get approved for mortgages. "Needs to Improves" or "Poor" CRA ratings by a bunch of government geek examiners who never made a fucking loan in their life meant banks all over the country were handcuffed to grow, merge, expand by acquisition or building new branches...so what were banks forced to do by 'bad liberal minded policy from Washington'?

To get off the Examiners 'shit lists' they had to loosen their credit underwriting guidelines...so the days of 20% down payments went by the wayside and 10% down payments came about and PMI (private mortgage insurance) made up the difference for lost 'equity'. Next came 5% down, 3% down, no money down, no doc, low doc, no verification loans, interest only mortgages etc...and who was the 'buyer' of the crappy mortgages...Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac...oh yeah they are essentially the federal government...did I mention that Barack Obama the attorney, used to work for Fannie Mae? Did I mention that Fannie Mae's 2nd largest recipient of campaign contributions was none other than Barack Obama...so who is he beholden to? I read the CEO of Fannie Mae is fighting to have his 24 Million Dollar golden parachute retirement/severance package paid to him...for what, doing such a great job fucking with Fannie Mae? He's got bigger fuckin balls than I'll ever have.

The bottom line is their all in bed together ....stop thinking the Dem's are good and Republicans are evil. It's all about power for both parties and getting their share as long as they can. I subscribe that the Republicans general philosophy of 'less federal' government is better for us in the long haul while the Democrats liberal mindset that government should solve most or all of our problems is a false promise that continues to buy them votes with the vast majority of poor and minority voters. If the Dem's could fix public schools, poverty, health care, social security with big government what have they done with their chances over the past 50 years?

As for as the 'Bailout' goes, something needs to be done to restore order in the financial markets to put some grease (liquidity) back in the engine of the economy. Nothing is moving and that grid lock can cause the entire engine to shut down...or 'Bailout II' will occur in another few years. ..that being said, some tough medicine needs to be doled out to banks, thrifts (WAMU a huge culprit in this mess), investment firms, and government agencies like Fannie Mae that they won't be allowed to rape and plunder again...the cost to bail out Wall Street can easily exceed 10 Iraq's yet these are Americans ripping off Americans because we have become a greedy, self serving country. Today's philosophy is get all you can whenever you fucking can...and screw the other guy. The mindset to 'serve', 'do the right thing', 'be ethical' has been replaced by golden parachutes to the sum of 24 million for failing...WAMU's CEO was on the job for 17 days...I heard he'll make 18 million for brokering the deal to sell WAMU's assets to JP Morgan. Is the head of Fannie Mae or WAMU a Republican or a Democrat? I don't really give a fuck...they should be put in jail regardless, for 'stealing' from the public trust.

Now.....back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Interesting Topics...

Damn, I wish I was a creative as some with their 'Post' topics (giving 'props' to Bucky for his latest :)

The problem is, there are too many things that don't even register with me as 'interesting', especially to others. Then, when I see one on anothers site, its like 'Fuck me....why didn't I think of that???

Only so many things grab my attention. Morons are one, things that happen that piss me off are another, and well, frankly...boobs, of all shapes and sizes. Other than those three (which I'm sure you've seen a reoccurring theme), thats about it.

Generally, though unintentionally, I manage to get all three of these in my same post topic. Sometimes, there's one example that captures all three, such as the below:

See what I mean? 1. No doubt...a freakin moron, 2. Thinkin she's so hot pisses me off because I hate it when people are so blatantly stupid, and 3. Well, the script is on her boobs so I guess that counts, too.

My question....does she really fuckin believe that? Actually, I think she does....or.... her crackhead boyfriend has just pawned her prized collection of 'Elvis Plates' and this is her way of making a point.

Here's another 'If he was dating my daughter I'd be on Death Row' type. Seriously....what fuckin planet is this fuckin idiot from? Maybe 'Planet Fuckin Stupid'?? Dunno, guess its my age but I just don't fucking get it. Does he really think this looks good....that it makes him look cool? Now, I'm sorta guessin here but does he realize when he's knocking over a gas station or makin a 'meth buy' from an 'undercover' that this 'look' may not be so good when it comes to someone making an ID on him? I swear, I'd like to sit down with the fuckwad and just ask him "Why"? Don't get me wrong, I really don't give a fuck as to 'why', I just want to hear the guaranteed moronic fuckin answer he'd give.
Guys are not alone in the way of 'self-expression'. Look at the below, closely. Now, what would be your reaction when 'little Suzie' came bouncing down the stairs, in her swim suit, to greet her grandparents (or any other member of your family, work place, church, etc)? Again, I would just like to hear her fuckin answer as to why she is promoting 'double fellatio' on her own body? I'm guessin 'classy' wouldn't be her answer and that's only because she hadn't thought of it. But, who knows, maybe she would have a valid reason, like "It helps me get dates".

I think it's possible that I attract idiots, like a moth to a fuckin flame. Example: I'm sittin at 'SV' the other day and there was some ball game on TV. I look around for the remote, can't find it. So I say, rather loudly, to the girl workin the bar "I need some VOLUME". This guy (who I know) on the other end of the bar, gets up and walks over to me, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a pill bottle and pours a handful. "Here Efen....take a few". I look at him and say "What the fuck are those?" He says "I got what you want...VALIUM".....I tell him I said 'volume'...he says "They ARE Valium...see the little 'v' in the middle...these are the real thing". Gotta admit, I was laughing my ass off....sadly, he never did get it. Just gave me an 'oh well' look and went back to his barstool.

Maybe one day I'll find some topics that are interesting................until then, you're stuck with these.

Monday, September 22, 2008

It's Monday.......Again..Updated

Geez......can these fuckin weekends go any faster?

All in all a pretty good weekend with only a few minor aggravations. Did my usual 'SV' routine on Saturday and Sunday, although I'm starting to see that the time I spend there is getting less on weekends, especially on Saturday.

Probably due to the girl thats working Saturdays is nice, but no longer 'hot'. She's a very pretty girl and has great sense of humor, but....she just had a kid a few months back and has yet to lose much of the ......60 fuckin pounds she gained...sheesh. I would say thats a 'ton of weight' but I don't want to go for the cheap laugh.

Sunday girl is still 'smokin' so thats all good.

Highlight of the weekend was going to see The Eagles on Saturday night. They were unfuckinbelievable! I swear, there were songs where you could close your eyes and it sounded like it was 30 years ago. While not the biggest Joe Walsh fan before, he stole the fuckin show with his singing and his guitar solos. On top of that, I think it may be the only concert I have ever been to where pot was not a factor ;) Oh, standing in line at the concession stand and I hear a guy behind me say "Fuck....there's a lot of old people here". I turn to look at this fucker, gettin myself ready to give him some 'old fuck Efen rhetoric' when I see this guy is like 43-45. WTF??? I didn't realize that 45 was the new 20. I didn't say nuthin...wasn't worth it.

I told ya'll awhile back that Daughter has a new boyfriend that lives in Florida. Evidently, distance hasn't hindered this relationship yet, in fact he came in a week ago for her birthday. Sunday she tells me that during 'Fall Break' (WTF....paying this fuckin school a ton of a fuckin money and they get a 'Fall Break' as well as a Spring Break?) she's going to Florida to see her cousin (my niece). Okay....I may be at times stupid, but I ain't ever that fuckin stupid. So, being the diplomatic father that I am, I say "Thats bullshit....did you forget who you're talking to?" So, she laughs and says "Dad....I am going to see my cousin....and 'HIM' too...probably". Yeah, 'Probably'. Oh well..... I did tell her 'the next time 'honey-sweetie' comes to town, you're bringing his ass over here so I can meet him...understood?" Again, she laughs and says 'OK'.

I so hope I never have to fly to Florida to kick some punks ass for making my little girl cry or sumthin. But...my brother-in-law lives there and he 'knows people' so that may save me a trip ;)

Actually, this is more than a 'minor' aggravation; We have a spare service van here at work. We use it to deliver parts and shit. It's old but still runs so its licensed and insured, as it should be. I drive in this morning and notice, right away, that the fuckin plates (you may call them tags) are missing. Some trailer-livin lowlife motherfucker has stolen them cuz his fuckin vehicle won't pass inspection for new plates. Haven't called the cops yet because I have video to review. Yes, we have a Surveillance Camera in place that videos every fuckin vehicle that enters our lot...night or day, and its 'motion activated'. I doubt though it actually captured the thieves 'at work' because of where the van was parked but hopefully it did get the plates of the motherfuckers 89 Ford Fairmount or equivalent, that they drove in with. I so hope that this motherfucker(s) has '2 strikes' already............ I'll even show up at his parole hearing to tell 'em how he has emotionally damaged me and that how I can't sleep at night because I'm simply terrified...how this whole ordeal has scarred me for life. Fuck him and everyone that loves him.

UPDATE: Went through all the fuckin video and............nuthin. M'fers must have parked their vehicle elsewhere and walked over. Turns out they hit the business next door and got 5 of their plates. Called the police and they sent over a girl that is no doubt the hottest female police officer I have ever seen in my fuckin life! Couldn't tell about her boobs with the bullet-proof vest on but that really didn't matter....Ultra hot! We talked in the parking lot, we talked in my office, she left and since called me back twice....the 1st time with "Uh...did I give you my name...Did I give you my direct line? (yes...she did...to both) Hmmmmmmmmmm.......nah....no way........uh...well fuck, maybe...I mean....its possible...er.....just why in the fuck not?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Idiots ...

Man...there is a plethora of examples on this subject. So many, one post can't do it justice (add to the fact......... I got nuthin)

How in the fuckin world does one let themselves get in this shape (or lack thereof) to where you need a motherfuckin wheelbarrel to move your STOMACH???? AND....before I get any 'Show some sensitivity, Efen'.....gimme a fuckin break..I mean..look at the fuckin guy. I bet he shops at Kroger...in the same outfit.

Now here's another fuckin genuis. What a fuckin shocker she's an ex-Hooter's employee. Guess she's now a part of Waffle House Nation. Just in case you can't read the small print, Hooters had a contest on who could sell the most beer. She thought the prize was a Toyota.....but, it was a 'toy yoda'...now she's fuckin suing. If she wasn't, now that would be weird.

Yeah, this guy I'm sure is a real credit to society. I'm sure his 5 kids appreciate that he has money for 'gun ink', but not for child support. He is sooooooooooooooooo freakin cool!

Here's one from a fuckin guy I hate....yes, I hate this "no-talent, I'm really gay, I deserve to have my ass kicked", douchebag. Just look at the extremely weird look on his face.....If I saw that fucker peering out of the window with that fuckin face..."BOOM"

Here's a classic.....on national fuckin TV no less. I'm sure her family is so proud.

Who can ever under-estimate the true brilliance of your common street thug? This guy below probably doesn't see the irony.....fuck, he probably doesn't even know what 'irony' means.

NOTE: This guy below isn't an 'idiot'...I just liked the picture ;)

From the "Does He Really Appreciate His View" Dept....(ETW may really like this little guy ;)

He Pingping, born with primordial dwarfism, holds the Guinness World Record for the smallest man at 2 feet, 5.37 inches, and Svetlana Pankratova holds the Guinness World Record for the longest leg of any woman at 4 feet 4 inches.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Weird Shit.....

While looking something up on Google, I stumbled across another link that seemed interesting, which ultimately led me to additional links. I am fucking amazed with the weird shit you can find, either purposely or accidental. Below is a 'sampling' of some of my 'finds';

"Prison hooch can be made in your cell toilet (as long as you don't mind using other people's toilets or finding some other solution), or more often, in plastic trash bags. The recipe is simple: make a strong bag by double or triple-bagging some plastic trash bags and knotting the bottoms. Into this, pour warm water, some fruit or fruit juice, raisins or tomatoes, yeast, and as much sugar as you can get ahold of (or powdered drink mix). Now tie off the top of the bag, letting a tube of some kind protrude so the thing won't explode while it gives off carbon dioxide. Now hide the bag somewhere and wait at least three days. A week is enough.
One of the problems you have right away with making wine in prison is the difficulty getting yeast. It's a strictly forbidden item and you might not be able to get any. In this case you can improvise the by using slices of bread, preferably moldy (but not dry) and preferably inside a sock for easier straining.
If you choose to brew your wine in your cell, you'll need to hide it behind your bunk and do what you can to hide the smell. Burning cinnamon as incense is one way. Spraying deodorant around is another. Normal wine takes at least a month if not six weeks to make at all properly -- but in hell, this is all you get."

I thought about giving this a shot, just to see what you end up with but wasn't fond of of the idea of using toilet water. If this appeals to your adventurous spirit, please let me know how it turns out.

Another.... (uh.....I'm bettin either Elle or J-Fab have attended ;)

The Roadkill Cookoff : With a motto “you kill it, we grill it,” you know it’s gonna be good. That is, if you’re into attending festivals like the Roadkill Cookoff in Marlinton, West Virginia.
Held every September, the Roadkill Cookoff is held in honor of the practice of actually taking home and eating the dead deer or squirrel that you hit or found on the side of the road.
Head to the festival for a taste of dishes like Asleep at the Wheel Squeal, Stir-Tired Possum with Natural Brown Maggots, Tire Tread Tortillas, Rigormortis Bear Stew and Thumper meets Bumper (LMAO @ the 'Thumper' one ;)

And...not to be outdone;

Turkey Testicle Festival: Since 1978, people have gathered in Byron, Illinois on the second Saturday of October to “have a ball,” or a few, and by “have a ball” they mean “eat a turkey testicle.”
The Turkey Testicle Festival is restricted to the 21 and over crowd and for five bucks you get karaoke contests, raffle contests/prizes, beer, entertainment, and lots and lots of fried turkey balls.
But wait, just when you thought the fun was limited to one festival, there is yet another Turkey Testicle Festival in nearby Huntley, Illinois that has taken place at the Parkside pub for the last 25 years.
This one takes place right around Thanksgiving and is about an hour away from the one in Byron.
With two testicle festivals taking place in the Illinois, residents should have plenty of balls to go around.

From the WTF Are You Thinking Department:

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Mother's Day draws a crowd in the home of an Arkansas woman - she is pregnant with her 18th child. Michelle Duggar, 41, said she is six weeks along in her pregnancy and that everything is going well.
This weekend, Duggar will join her husband and their 17 children to celebrate Mother's Day with brunch at a hotel in downtown Little Rock. Their youngest child, Jennifer, is 9 months old. Their oldest, Josh, is 20.
The Duggar children include 10 boys and seven girls. Within the group are two sets of twins.
"We've had three in January, three in December. Those two months are a busy time for us," Michelle Duggar said, laughing.

Yeah......both of you are sooooooooooooooo fuckin responsible. Idiots.

Ok, but whose counting:

Robert Sinclair of Laurentian University and Sean Moore of Augustana College, have conducted several studies. The largest and most recent is a Web-based survey conducted in fall 2005. The researchers polled a Knowledge Networks panel of 2,065 heterosexual, U.S. non-virgins with a median age in their late 40s. The average number of sexual partners the women reported was 8.6. The average number the men reported was 31.9.

Hmm....so it seems a large percentage of the men were bangin the same women?

The following isn't really weird, just strange:

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language that end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora La Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula."
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand

And finally, one of the more bizarre (No....I didn't read more than the header) :

Rob's Necrophilia Fantasy . I purposely left out the actual link because sick fucks like this don't need any more publicity.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Ike and Other Things....

I'm not gonna make too big a fuckin deal about the remnants of Ike that passed through Sunday because based on what I've seen outta Galveston and Houston, it would take bigger balls than I have to do any 'major' complainin but I do have some 'minor' bitchin;
  • Yesterday morning, 5.5" of rain in 6 fuckin hours. If you aren't sure what that means, well, its a lot of fuckin rain in a very short period of time.

  • 60 MPH wind gusts. Ok, I realize its not like the Gulf of Texas incurred but fuck, we're 1000 fuckin miles from there

  • Friends with up to 8" of water in their basements. This was mainly due to storm sewers and storm drains backed up not because of any actual flooding of streams, creeks, etc. Tho, there was plenty of that.

  • Another big fuckin limb down but from a different tree and its so fuckin muddy I can't even attempt to get that fuckin thing cut up.

  • Rain poured into a fuckin 'mole hole' that's in the back of my yard....then proceeded to wash a fuckin trench out of the whole length of the mole run, about 20 feet long. I can only hope the little mfer drowned.....slowly.

Went to 'SV' to watch the Rams game yesterday (geez...they blow more than a hurricane). Uh, I have Season Tickets (a huge fuckin mistake on my part) but I had no desire to see them get their collective asses kicked in person. Basically, it was damage control because if I would have used the tickets instead of lettin them sit in my desk, it woulda easily cost me another $200 . Guess I coulda begged someone to take 'em.

It was mainly me and the Village Idiots there. Just when you think people just can't possibly get any more fuckin stupid, they surprise you. Example: Watchin the local news 'Special Report' about the weather and the guy sittin down the bar says " Is this the same hurricane they got in Texas...I didn't know we got hurricanes?". WTF??? No, ya see right smack dab in the middle of the fuckin US we're constantly hit with hurricanes that develop over the Mississippi River....motherfuck!

Genius #2 (from Chicago): This is the guy who doesn't call me by my name, only my 1st initial. "E.......you get rain?" AARRRRGGHHH......Who didn't get fuckin rain??? So I say, "Nope...not a single fuckin drop.....amazing".

Genius #3 (from New York and leaves no doubt about it): as he's listening in "REALLY.....that is unbelievable! You should call the Channel 5 (local station) and tell them. They'd probably come out an interview you...man, thats unreal".

Let me make one thing absolfuckinlutely crystal fuckin clear....These guy ARE NOT my normal runnin buddies....just morons who come to the bar and for some unknown fuckin reason, they think I'm their buddy.

Girl workin the bar has to walk away as she listens to these 2 idiots because she doesn't want to laugh in their faces....and she won't even look at me cuz she knows then, its all over.

I leave 'SV' after the game and drive to my office to make sure it didn't get washed away. I come out and there's a police car pulled right up behind my truck. He's standing there on his radio and motions for me to 'stay where I am'.............WTF is goin on here?

Me: There a problem?

Dickface Cop: I need to see your ID.

Me: For what? Whats the problem?

DFC: Take out your ID, Sir.

Me: I take it out (very begrudgingly)...and walk it over to him.

DFC: This your vehicle?

Me: Yes

DFC: Thats not how the plates come back as (as he's reading my license)

Me: Its a company vehicle, we have our own leasing company we run it through. Besides that, just what is the problem.

DFC: Can you open your vehicle?

Me: (Now pissed..wtf, just tell me what the fuck is going on) No. I won't. If you want it open, tell me what's going on...........or get a warrant.

DFC: (Now he's pissed) I can wait here all day.

Me: I'll just go back in my building, to my office. I'll be watching football. Knock on the door if you want anything.

I have fuckin had it with this jackoff, so I take back my license and head towards the door.

DFC: Sir....since the storm knocked out power to some of the industrial park, we're just making sure there aren't any burglaries going on because some security systems may be down.

Me: Thats all you had to say. I'll open my truck and you can check it. BTW....here's my business card that shows I own this place.

DFC: That won't be necessary. Have a good day.

That was it, he got in his car and drove off. FUCK......I coulda looted the fuckin business next door and gotten clean away with it. Another missed opportunity.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I USED to have a memory

Actually, a pretty damn good one, but anymore.......fuck...I feel like I'm 'Shady Acres' bound.

Get an e-mail today from our main supplier, reminding me of the National Sales Meeting in Point Clear, Alabama................in less than 4 fuckin weeks!! Oh fuck me.....I do recall there was sumthin I did register for. So, I check my 'Saved' e-mail and sho'nuff, there are my hotel reservations, my rental car reservation and my fuckin airplane confirmation. Motherfuck.....ok, maybe I did do these things like 4 months back, BUT one would think they wouldn't totally escape your fuckin mind! I realize it's not like I'm going to Rio or anything but it is an important meeting (along with golf and deep-sea fishing....ok, I quit playin golf but you get the point) plus, this year (so far...this is always 'subject to market correction') we're in the Top 5 nationally as for as sales go so there's bound to be several 'attaboys' thrown my way (more to do with my Sales Manager but fuck...I'm the one who hired him to begin with so I'm allowed the 'credit').

Lets see, weren't there some other things I scheduled during this 6 day period....and agreed to?

1. I was invited to go to see the Cubs in their Playoff Home Opening Series
2. A 50th BD party
3. A Sales Presentation at big customer's facility.

Oh yeah, these fuckin things I have written on my calendar...not the other though. So, I have spent the morning calling and giving my regrets for Numbers 1 & 2 along with coming up with a different excuse other than 'I forgot I had to...' Number 3 was a lot trickier. I gave some bullshit about wanting to bring in some "visual aid crap and I wouldn't have it until the following week but it would be soooooooooooooo beneficial etc etc etc". Ok, got that done too. Now, just have to come up with some beneficial 'visual aid crap'.

On top of that, I was.....uh...hmmm....er.....well fuck, I forgot what I was gonna say.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Back in the Day...

...most of you will find this boring but I guess I'm really writing this for me, so ')~~~~

I went to College, really, no shit, I did! It was a small private Midwestern Methodist college and the reason I chose it was quite simple, my best friend, Randy (whom I'd gone to Grade School all the way through High School with) said he was going there. His brother, who is a dick btw, went there before him. Kinda like a legacy thing, I suppose.

Anyway, thats where we went, about 3 1/2 hours from home but only 45 minutes from Columbia, Missouri and all of its nightlife (thats where the Univ. Of Missouri is located). The town where our school was located is small, 2600 people. Probably 8 churches, 1 theatre, 2 drugstores (that had lunch counters) and 1 bar. That 1 bar became more important to me than even 'SV' is today.

The bar, Mac's, was owned by 2 brothers, both of whom had been in WWII and both in 'The Battle of the Bulge' (if you don't know, look it up). Walking into this bar was like going back in time. The bar was up front and they served only beer (at that time) along with cold sandwiches, frozen pizza, and chili. In the back room was 5 snooker tables and 1 8-ball table. These were real fuckin tables, not that shit you find mostly today. 3" slate tops and weighed a million fuckin pounds. I got a job there (became very good friends with one of the owners son's) and to this day, it was the best fuckin job in the world.

Everyfuckinbody had a tab, didn't matter who you were or if you had 2 nickels to rub together, if you wanted a tab, you got one. Everything was written down on those little 'guest checks' then stuck in a folder. That was it, no phone number, no credit card, no nuthin. To them, by agreeing to a tab, you had given them your word and that was good enough. 'Course the owners knew everyone and most of the kids that had tabs were college students so they knew where the fuck to find you, if needed....but, they never worried about that.

It was so cool working there, among the framed 'Ike' photos, the old pictures of people long past, signed pictures of sports icons, along with the constant talk of sports; local high school, college, Pro baseball and Pro football. The latter 2 created some real heated shit because this town is pretty much located exactly in the middle of the state, halfway between Kansas City and St. Louis, so you had supporters for both. Anyone over 30 was pretty much a 'local' and you learned real fast what they drank and what their occupation was (majority were farmers/ranchers). They were pretty wary of me at 1st, A) I was in college & B) I had long hair....ok, there was probably a 'C' too but I don't think most of them really knew what pot smelled like ;) But, in the end, they thought I was 'OK' and I got along pretty well with all of them, including Harold.

Harold was a local legend....known for not only his willingness to fight but also his supposed undefeated record. BIG....not fat, not overly muscular, but stood about 6'5" and probably weighed in around 230-240...maybe 42-45. Hands as big as smoked hams. He also had kind of a short-fuse especially after he'd drink 12-15 beers. I was ALWAYS very polite to him and knew he had a kid playing football somewhere out of state so I made sure I'd ask him about that.

There was 'kid' on our schools football team, Quinton, maybe 22 and a big fuckin redneck, and a jackoff as well. From the KC area and he was always smackin someone around...just plain mean. One Saturday afternoon, I'm workin, and both Harold and Quinton are there sittin at opposite ends of the bar. Quinton starts that 'hippie' shit with me.."nother beer, hippie.....hippie....make me a pizza"....crap like that. I so wanted to take that baseball bat under the bar and whack the shit outta him but honestly, I was afraid he take it from me and kill me with it. Harold isn't sayin one word and I know he's thinkin 'fuck it...aint my business'......didn't blame him on that one. Finally, I pretty much take my life into my own hands when Quinton tells me to "hurry the fuck up with my pizza".....and I tell him "If you want to eat it raw, you can have it now, not a problem".....and I start moving towards the pizza oven. Fuckin Quinton comes off his barstool and I'm thinkin "smart fuckin move, Einstein...this guy's gonna knock the fuck outta you" then I realize that Harolds laughin his ass off at my 'joke'. Quinton turns towards Harold and says his own 'Einstein' comment..."Better mind your own fuckin business, farmer boy, before I knock the shit outta you". Ahhhhh.....Karma. Harold doesn't say a fuckin word, doesn't even look at him, just puts the bottle to his mouth and finishes his beer...BUT...I can see his face has that 'redder than a tomato' look. Finally, Harold gets up and turns towards Quinton. Both Quinton and I saw the look Harold had on his face at the same moment....and when I looked at Quinton I could tell, he was scared. Harold said, in a very eerie calm voice, "You have a big mouth, fat boy. You think because your bigger than most you can bully your way around. I'm gonna to put an end to that kind of thinkin". Harold really didn't walk over to Quinton, it was more like 'strolled', no hurry, no rush. Quinton could see what was gonna happen and thought he was ready, well he thought so before Harold hit him square in face before he could even raise his fists. Gotta give Quinton props, he didn't go down, which surprised the shit outta me, because he was hit hard! As Quinton was drawing his fist back to counter, Harold hit him 2 more times...THEN Quinton went down, and Harold threw in a few more for good measure while Quinton was trying to struggle to his knees. That was it, Quinton was down for good now and the only sounds were him tellin Harold he'd 'had enuff'. Harold wasn't quite done. Oh, he didn't smack him anymore but he made sure he humiliated him proper. Harold told Quinton NEVER to come back in the bar again and made him answer 'YES SIR', Harold made him apologize to him, which he did, AND THEN Harold told him to apologize to me for being such a prick (Oh fuck....he'll find me on campus and really kill me now) but then Harold added, "If I find out you're fuckin with Efen again, I'll find you and the next time I won't go easy on you". Harold turned, threw a few bucks on the bar and walked out. Didn't say a fuckin word. Now, I'm left with pyscho-fuck on the floor, nose and mouth streaming blood. WTF was I to do? I grabbed a bar towel, wet it, and threw it to Quinton who was now sittin up. "Thanks" he mumbled..WTF..he's thanking me? Guess he was truly scared of the 'next time' Harold had promised him. From there on out, whenever I'd have a chance encounter with Quinton, he'd always speak or nod. Actually had a couple of classes with him the next semester and he turned out not to be too bad a guy. I'm sure he was still really a prick and all but wtf did I care.....I was Harolds 'buddy' ;)

I write this because today I learned Harold had passed away a short-while back. He was 75 years old.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Random Musings...

....yeah, OK, you're correct, this is what I post when I don't have a fuckin idea on any other subject;

I think I've made up my mind on the upcoming election, lets see, Obama's wife and Biden or Cindy McCain and Sara Palin........yeah, like it's even fuckin close.

In heavy traffic today and saw a car waiting to pull out of a subdivision. I stopped and motioned her to 'come ahead'. She did.....and didn't give me a 'thank you' wave or nuthin. So, being the mature individual I am rode her fuckin bumper for 2 miles. Bitch...I hope I see you tryin tomorrow. I'll give you the 'fake come ahead wave' and then when you try, I'll pull up and leave your ass sittin in the middle of the fuckin road while I look at you and smile. I hate you and your kind.

Same goes for that fuck that I held the door for at 'SV' last week. I even kinda know the prick and never liked him. So, I hold the door and he walks right in like I'm his fuckin man servant or sumthin. So, I say "Your Welcome" in a plainly pissed tone...startled, he turns and stutters 'thanks. Fuck him, doesn't count. I always kinda wanted to make his punk ass cry...maybe another time. Actually, I oughta kick his Dad's ass too cuz that shit comes from how you were raised. Fuckin heathens.

Have to remember that when it comes to 'tipping', my Dad is 'old school'. He's a great guy, funny, able to repair or install anything and has been the most instrumental person in my life..BUT...he figures 10% on any bill is more than adequate which is ironic because he'll spend top dollar on whatever it is he buys. We're all out to dinner the other night and I plan on paying but he tells the waitress to give him the check. The bill is $66.00, I know this because I asked. He lays down $72.00. I get up and say I'm going to the mens room but find the waitress instead. I hand her some extra to which she laughs and says "You don't have to do that, I know how older people are. Most of them have had to work very hard for every penny they've ever earned and they don't throw money away on someone just bringing them their food". How sweet was that? I then gave her a little more because anyone with that outlook, especially on older people and my Dad in particular, deserves it. Oh yeah, he and my Mother ALWAYS made sure it was 'yes, ma'am, no sir, thank you, you're welcome, etc'. They didn't raise no freakin heathen.

Evidently my daughter is content with her car being washed by the rain. I can't even begin to express just how fuckin irritated I get with her regarding how she keeps the fuckin thing. When she went to Florida for 2 weeks, I took it and had the whole fuckin thing cleaned, inside and out as well as the tires and wheels. Looked like fuckin new. She has more fuckin clothes in that thing than she does her closet....and its an SUV so it aint tiny. She gets that shit from my ex-wife, her mother.

Oh, she has a boyfriend apparently. Lives in Florida (distance is a huge plus), where they met when she was there on one of her vacations, and seems decent. Has his degree (a plus), good job (a big plus), nice looking (don't care), and as she put it "Dad, he's really very nice (a good thing), opens the doors for me (big plus), really into sports (another big plus) and he never has had a DUI" (a plus unless that means he has just never got caught). He flew in a couple of weeks ago and is coming back in a few days so they can be together for her birthday. Not sure but this one sounds a little more serious than some of the others. I'll try not to act like a big prick IF I ever meet him....I said "I'll try".

Idiots...they are fucking everywhere! Placed some baseball tickets for sale on Craigslist. I'm always very specific about all the details so I don't have a dozen e-mails back and forth. I listed the dates I had. I get an e-mail from a guy saying he wants them BUT not for the dates I have listed, another date, the day I'm going. I e-mail him back saying that's not what the ad said. He e-mails me, saying thats the 'only day he can go'. Does this guy think I really give a fuck when he can or can't go??? I even told him thats the game I'm going to...didn't register at all.

Put my foot down (sorta) today at 'SV'. Girl working behind the bar was complaining how hot it was in there today (it was). I asked her why she wore jeans then instead of her normal short skirts? She thought it was going to be cooler but she said she did have a skirt in her car. I asked why she didn't go put it on then. She said she would, if she had wore underwear today. She asked if she gave me the money would I go to one of the local stores and buy her a pair? I said "Even IF I was sleeping with you, I don't do that shit". Fuck.......Now, if we coulda worked a 'deal', then..... ;)

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Just the Thing to Cheer Elle Up!

I really think this will work. It's always good to have a 'back-up' plan, ya know ') Maybe you and J-Fab can practice together :)

Friday, September 5, 2008

Efen Bunyan

(Ron, as a prelude to this post, I have included one photo from 'SV'. I have others but I'm tryin to figure out a way to to do that 'black bar' thing over the eyes)

Just fuckin great................weather forecast for the next 3 days..........rain. Actually, I don't mind the rain so much, its the fuckin wind. I get home yesterday, look out the window, and see a branch the fuckin size of a telephone pole, laying in the upper part of my backyard. FUCK......this is gonna be a huge fuckin ordeal.

I have a chainsaw, admittedly, a piece of shit one. This fuckin thing, no matter what I do, takes the better part of an hour to get started. When I finally achieve this, I feel like I'm gonna puke/faint at the same time. Pulling and pulling, listening to all those 'I'm really gonna fuck with Efen by sounding like I am gonna start very soon' engine noises. I really can't believe I own this fuckin thing. Actually, a guy owed me $50 and said he give me the chainsaw and we'd call it even. Yeah.....I fucked up, plus I paid another $75 to get it 'tuned up'. That worked.....until the second time I went to use it. Same fuckin deal again. I had this problem with a snowblower, then said 'fuck this', and went out a bought a bigger one with that ever handy 'electric starter'. Why am I not doin the same by buying a new chainsaw you ask? Cuz.....I use the fucker so rarely I can't justify spending the $500 or so for sumthin that will just sit most of the time.

Before I even get this bitch started, I'll have to take my loppers (Elle saying: wtf are those?) and cut off all the small branches which will leave me a fuckin brushpile the size of a Volkswagen Hippie Van. Then I'll use the saw to cut this fuckin branch into probably 15 three-foot sections. Of course all the while 'motherfuckin' everything in sight. After all this shit is done comes the hard part...........whatinthefuckinworld do I do with all this shit??? I have an area where I do put leaves and small branches BUT no fuckin way can I pile all of this shit there....the neighbors would bitch like mfers (and we all know that is MY job) when they discover the sun is now blocked out and it looks like an eternal eclipse. My only recourse, besides throwin all that crap over into my neighbors yard, is to call someone to come and haul it away. While that sounds fairly simple, it isn't. Unless you carry all that shit to the curb, they'll charge you another $175 to walk in the back to get it AND if they deem it too big to carry, you get hit with an additional $50 for them to pull the 'chipper' up to turn it into sawdust. 'Course when they pull the 'chipper' through your yard they'll leave ruts 2' deep.

FUCK.......I long for the good 'ol days when you could just burn the shit and be done with it. But no, evidently that puts too much shit in the air, unlike all those fuckin smokestacks around.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Back......I Think

We'll see......woke up this morning and could sense 'Old Efen' was returning. Fuck, why couldn't that have occurred Sunday?........... then I could be posting about important stuff like the newest 'beach attire' and it's benefits towards mankind!

I can only attribute my change of attitude to the fact that I mowed the grass last evening. Yeah, I fucked that off too during my 'episode', something I would never have done before, especially with it looking like you could turn it into pasture and graze cattle. Of course, since the remnants of Gustav are now heading our way and they're saying 5-6" of rain over the next couple of days, the impetus to get it cut was increased. Spent the last 20 minutes cutting in a fucking downpour but its done. Maybe the fact that I actually accomplished something worthwhile was all that I needed. Who knows...I aint no fuckin Dr. Phil.

Another good sign was today at 'SV'. Evidently it's 'short skirt' day with CFM's as accessories. Last week I'm not sure I would have even commented but today, as is part of my 'routine' with one girl, I asked her if she was wearin 'hot underwear?'. What she told me was quite descriptive and certainly well-worth me asking the question.....and she ended it by sayin "you know the one's I mean, I've showed 'em to you". Yes, I did know the one's she meant ;) BTW.....she has the best legs in the place....just in case any of you were wondering ;)

Another step in the right direction, my Service Coordinator is gone for the rest of the week on vacation. This is a 'pain-in-the-ass' job, having to handle customers who most of time are somewhat pissed because their equipment is down and 'need someone right away!', then having to juggle our already full schedules to get a service guy there ASAP. Normally, I hate handling this job and while I do have someone else I can shift it off to, I find myself readily available to do this for the rest of the week.....even without muttering "fuck this shit" over and over.

Have I turned the corner?...............quite possibly. Oh.....and I'm looking forward to this weekend at 'SV" as well. Which is somewhat of a surprise because Friday evening was supposed to be 'The Dove Trip', but Gustav has fucked that up. Where we go is already getting hammered by rain and wind and the first things that fuck up dove hunting are the above conditions. Those little wuss fuckers, instead of braving it out, when bad storms come in, they fuckin take off and head South....by the thousands. 'Course they'll be flying right into Gustav, guess they aint all that bright...........or they don't get The Weather Channel.

Wish me luck.................. ;)

Elle.....will you stop it with that 'heart you' thing........thats like saying 'you complete me'.....both make me want to fuckin gag.......................honey ;) ;) Oh well, what the fuck....I heart you too..hehe.

Oh...BTW...J-Fab, try this link below...may be of help (I thought it was either USA, TNT, or FX that ran re-runs of Prison Break...you may want to look there as well) AND...what do you mean by 'hints'?????? I'm really offended and hurt and the only thing that would ease my fragile psyche would be, well......ya know ;) AND...since you have all this freakin free-time, one would think you may have an interesting post or two 'bout your trip to Nashville...just sayin ;)


Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Lost Weekend

No...........sadly, not the 'Ray Milland' version, mine and mine alone.

Normally, I get all amped up when I have upcoming days off, in this case, I had 4 days in a fuckin row. And yes, I was really looking forward to 'em. So, what did I do or accomplish?......................nary one fuckin thing, zip, nada. I pretty much felt like I was on the Guvment payroll the whole 4 days....sigh.

Did go to SV Friday for 'lunch' but, and this kinda worries me, I just couldn't get 'into it'. Oh yeah, all the hot girls were there and they were all happy about the holiday weekend (I could tell this by the numerous shots they were downing), plus only 1 was wearin a bra so I could definitely tell the rest were quite excited by the aspect of 3 days off. I don't know where in the fuck my head was but it just didn't matter all that much. Even one of them asked me to 'hang around' til she got off (no, Elle...not in that way ;) which was only 2 hours later, but I had no interest. The only thing I wanted to do was -gulp- go home. Lemme re-phrase that 'kinda worries me' thing, it actually worries the fuck outta me. But, thats what I did.....went home and turned on the fuckin TV...at 3:00 in the fuckin afternoon on a perfectly beautiful day! WTF???? Did go out to eat, mainly because sister-in-law was in town, but was back home by 7:30.....and then right to the couch and TV.

Saturday, got up at my normal 5:45 AM fuckin shit, drank coffee and read the paper, then sorta perused the computer some before actually doin some shit around the house, which I finished by 11:00 AM. Normally, this is the time I'm on the way in to 'SV'........normally. Saturday I just didn't feel like it, in fact it didn't even appeal to me. So, I just layed around and watched fuckin TV some more...didn't even get in the shower until 4:00. WTF is up with that??? Usually, like most folks, I can't fuckin wait til I hop in the shower. Even then, truthfully, I didn't really want to but.... some friends were coming over around 6:00 and I figured they would appreciate me being all cleansed and shit. They came over, I bbq'd, we did the 'chit-chat' thing, and they left around 11:00.............the whole fuckin time I was wishin they'd leave by 9:00.

If ya'll are thinkin, 'Efen's bound to be back to normal by Sunday', then ya'll are so fuckin wrong, it gets even worse. 'SV" was closed Sunday and Monday, but I had 'options'. In fact, Saturday afternoon I got a text from a girl who used to work at 'SV" but is now at a different bar, still close by though. She tells me that the owner is afraid Sunday is going to be slow so he added a 'twist'....Sunday is now 'theme' day....and the 'theme' was 'Beach Party'. Not real fuckin original I admit but the waitresses (and her) were going to be wearing 'beach attire'. Now, I know this girl real good and I am aware of some of the waitresses and let me tell you, seeing them in what they would consider 'beach attire' would be a bargain at any price. So, what happens, I wake up Sunday.............and don't feel like doin one fuckin thing. I don't feel like gettin dressed, don't feel like showering, don't feel like leavin the fuckin house at all. So, I don't. What did I do?......oh, watch that mfen TV more and nap.....fuckin nap! Don't get me wrong, I love naps BUT not when I get up from bed, go to couch, and then fuckin nap an hour later!! AND....to blow off 'Beach Day' and not even give it two fuckin thoughts....I'm gettin more worried by the fuckin minute!

Monday arrives and I'm thinking "I can't fuckin believe I've wasted all this time....I'm gonna do some shit today!" Yeah, my 'doin shit' consisted of making a picture DVD w/ music of 500 35 mm slides that my Dad had taken over the years. Ok, granted, this was not a quick task, took me about 7 hours on the fuckin computer puttin it together and when I was done, my fuckin eyes felt like someone poured sand in them. So, I was pretty much fuckin done for Monday....'cept for goin to the couch to catch up on my TV watching.....sheesh. Fortunately, for me, last night was the season premiere of 'Prison Break'. Immediately after that was over, I headed right to bed to watch something for another hour...I can't fuckin go to bed at 9:00!......yeah, made it all the way to 9:30.

Today and it's back to work.........................fuck, how I long for the next Holiday weekend, I could sure use it.