Used To Be..........

Truthfully, I have no idea what the fuckin problem is with my lack of 'blog participation'. It seems like my 'participation' in pretty much everything has been off as of late. A few examples:

Used to be: Worked in the yard, a lot. That 'best lawn' thing really meant sumthin

Now: Cut the fuckin thing once a week, trim maybe every 2 weeks. If its not 'the best', who gives a fuck

Used to be: Enjoyed my 'downtime' playing on-line computer games..nightly. It relaxed me....seriously.

Now: Use it to check my e-mail and baseball scores/stats. Occasionally 'borrow' some music I want. Haven't played a game on-line in a couple of months and don't miss it one fuckin bit..even 'porn surfing' has been effected.

Used to be: Spent at least one day a week fixing something (or overseeing it get fixed) at my daughters/parents house. Making sure things were good was as important there as at my house

Now: Drop by every couple of weeks with either little or no intention of making sure everything is in working order. Did try to fix a leaking outside faucet only to end up watching it leak more after I 'fixed' it. So, I hooked up the hose to it and moved it out in the back yard so it didn't leak next to the house. I know..I'm still trying to grasp this myself.

Used to be: Watched every fucking detail of what went on here at work and 'reacted' accordingly.

Now: Pretty much operating under the illusion that the people I have in their jobs are doing things correctly and that they know the company needs to make a profit.

Used to be: Looked forward to planning some late summer/early fall mini-vacation.

Now: Not worth the hassle and the aggravation. Even the baseball trip I just got back from, had fun but the 'pre-trip' excitement just wasn't there.

Used to be: Enjoyed sending Elle dirty texts

Now: Figure I'm just bothering her

Used to be:  S-E-X.........always on my mind, always wanting to do sumthin about it

Now: Now this only came about in the last month or so because just prior, it was totally the opposite..but frankly, at the moment, I'm really not all that interested.

I'm really hoping I'm going through a 'phase' but deep-down, I'm not so sure. Even Mrs. Efen commented, as recently as this morning, that she's alittle concerned about my lack of interest in anything fun. I would have liked to have been able to debate that with her and 'used to be', I would have. But 'now'............................

As one of my favorite all-time actors said.."With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and 60."

Now..thats insightful ;)

Life in Pictures

Tabby's Going To Enter Him In Another Show

Mom Is So Proud!

Only the 'Head' Buckaroo Gets To Wear The Coat

Must Be A 'French' Thing

Guess Who's Pissed Because He Forgot His Shorts?

Boy, That Dog Looks Gay

Nothing Says 'Congratulations' Like Having Your Boob Squeezed

I Think Dad Enjoyed This Family Outing Alittle Too Much

Mom Was Too Embarrased To Fully Participate

Dad Showin 'His Girls' The Proper Technique

Evidently, Skippy Has Issues

If You're Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands!

Ahhh..Christmas Memories

WTF..Am I 17 again??

I know its been quite awhile. Blame Elle....she got me into that 'twit' fuckin thing, which I admit, because of my extremely short attention span, I kinda like it. I mean I like it until you have more than one thought, then you're fucked. Uh..I guess that means I haven't had more than 1 thought in over a fuckin month...yeah, sounds about right. As a matter of fact, thats pretty much what this post is all about.

Lately...and how do I type this out w/o sounding like some back-alley perv....ok, lately, I've been fairly  strongly obsessed with S-E-X. Which, surprise me because I thought I was pretty obsessed before. But sheesh...its gettin fairly ridiculous. Before (and several of my female readers will attest) I would always drop 'hints' about seeing boobs and the such, which I considered pretty fuckin normal for a guy..and still do. But...there was always room in my brain for other shit too.........in the last month, not so fuckin much. It's like I'm a pimply-faced fuckin teenager again (ok...I made up that 'pimply' thing..somehow I dodged that)

It just seems wherever I look, I'm always finding some girl who strikes me as extremely 'do-able'. Again, not far off the norm but at a higher level than before. There isn't anything really specific that I can say to illustrate my, er...uh..point (see?)....maybe its just a mental thing. I mean I'm not surfing porn any more than I did before, not making any more sexual innuendos to the girls at SV than I did before (altho..to be honest, there is a chick there (looks amazingly like a Kate Hudson and/or Ellen Barkin) who has been very 'friendly' and quite open about the things she likes and how much I would enjoy the things she does. Again, not blowing my own horn (see.....again) but this isn't something that hasn't occurred before so thats not the reason.

I'll admit, and it isn't like me to be this frank, but I find myself in an 'uncomfortable' position quite often...and, as only known to a select few one few, I then I have to take certain precautions (sorry for being cryptic but fuck, it is my blog..and NO, it isn't what you're thinking..geez..your minds;) so it doesn't become embarrassing. Again, not anything that unusual but the frequency of it is.

I know how intelligent my readers are (if there's any left) so I thought maybe someone could offer some insight to my dilemma, problem, issues, whatthefuckever you wanna call it. Hey, you have my attention (fuck...see, again).

A New Day..........

I feel bad about the content of my last several posts. Not sorry that I posted them but sorry that they were all such downers. I PRAY that things return to 'normal'. With all that said, and I thank you all for sticking with me/by me, here is a post with a different 'attitude'.

Even though I may not be as 'vocal' as I once was, I still read most everyone's blogs. I read 'Elles' this morning. Evidently, most thought she was a recovering lesbian  had been searching her whole life for a husband or something. Honestly, I am very surprised that the masses had forgotten she had been married....especially the part of when she finally got divorced (Uh....that part lasted longer than the actual marriage, didn't it? ;) Anyhow, she was right about one thing........if all that hadn't happened then there wouldn't of been an 'Elle & Efen' chapter...for which I will always be grateful. WHAT...you don't remember her posting about that either! Geez............. WTF??? FOCUS, people!!!

I'm becoming aware that technology has evidently passed me by. Everyone it seems (as I have been told) is doing the Facebook and Twitter thing in lieu of devoting much of their time to their blogs. Am I gonna get on board.....fuck no. I tried that FB thing once, didn't care for it. Twitter....fuck that too. When I have something to say I'm not going to be limited to 20 fucking words (or whatever the limit is). All that means is I'd have to (and I HATE this fuckin term) 'tweet' repeatedly and my attention span ain't all that fucking great. So, I'll live in the 'past', doin what I know how to do.

My daughter finally moved into my parents house, later than expected but when you're waiting on contractors to finish their fucking work, you're pretty much at their mercy. Funny though, as soon as the guy was done, he sent me a text..."Think I can come by and pick up a check?" My text to him "Think I can pay you in the same timeframe that it took you to finish?" Fucker.

She loves the house, loves the fact it was her grandparents and that my Mother was thrilled with the idea of her moving in. I thought she may get a little freaked at times and maybe she does but hasn't let on. It's different living in a house by yourself rather than an apartment or a condo, especially when you're a girl. But..she does have her 85# lab there and he does have one fucking fierce sounding bark. I thought about giving her one of my guns, whichever ones she wanted (more for my piece of mind, I think) but until I have given her complete safety training and shooting lessons, I think its best not to..............yet. She has really good neighbors, neighbors who depended on my Dad for years to help them do shit and to borrow one of the gazillion tools that he had. They've already assured me that they'll keep an eye on her.......much to my daughters great despair ;)

I did have a few things to rant and rave about but thought this post should be a 'kinder, gentler, Efen post'. Whew.....glad thats out of the way :)

Mother....I Love You

I buried my Mother yesterday. She passed away on February 18th. I got there too late, my sister called and told me to hurry, I did, but Mother never did regain consciousness. I regret not only that but the fact that my sister had to be the one to witness the passing of our Mother. It should have been me. That should not be her last memory.

Mother was a kind and gentle soul. She had been in poor health the last several years and relied heavily on my late Father. When Dad passed away in December it seemed to take away whatever motivation she had to get better. They had been married for 65 years and I guess when you lose someone that you had shared your life with for that long, you simply cannot fill that void.

I am not asking for sympathy. Death is part of life, plain and simple. I am writing this for me, as a tribute to one who made sure I experienced the things that my Father wasn't going to teach me. She made sure I always read, anything and everything. Even when I was maybe 7 or 8, she'd sit me down and read poetry to me (something I'd never admit to my friends ;) and then have me read ones to her, ones that I liked. She taught me how to cook, do laundry, iron, and even how to sew buttons on. She always said..."Son, you need to know how to do things for yourself because if you do, you'll never have to depend on anyone doing things for you". She was so right.

One of my fondest memories came from when I was 5. Dad, ever the provider, was working two jobs, 7 days a week. I had a tricycle (still have it) but Dad brought home a two-wheeler and told me he'd teach me how to ride it as soon as he was able. Unbeknownst to him, because he was working so much, Mother would work with me every day and told me it was 'our secret'. I remember just before Dad got home one Saturday afternoon from work, Mother said "Ok, you're ready. When your Dad pulls up, I want you riding up and down the sidewalk. He'll be so surprised!" To this day, I remember my Dad's face as he got out of the car, seeing his little boy, however wobbily, pedaling up and down the sidewalk. He walked over to Mother, smiling, and put his arm around her and said 'Thank you for doing what I couldn't".

Mother.....I miss you. Say 'hello' to Dad for me.

Don't They Say 'Let Sleeping Dogs Lie?"

Alright.........you motherfucks, you have now succeeding in pushing me over the fucking top!

Uh..guess I had better back up abit. Mother's still in the hospital and has been since February 2nd. As I said in my prior post, the ER Doc told me it was a "good thing I got her in when I did, or........"

She is supposed to be released tomorrow but I've been hearing that since last Saturday so we'll see. They're keeping her because of the pneumonia. The CHF is under control though.

Anyhow, when I was told yesterday about her impending release, I contacted the new Nursing Home again, just to make sure I had all my ducks in a row regarding her going there (there was some question if they would have a bed available but now it seems all good to go). Hearing this, I typed up a 'termination' letter to the old nursing home and drove over there. Not only to give them this letter but to get all of her belongings as well.

I go into the Social Workers office and present this letter to her. Now, me and this fuckin bitch don't get along. She's lazy, unprepared, and from what I had come to find out, a fuckin liar. She hates me I think and whatever I did to make her feel like this, I am glad fucking of it. I tell her Mother is not coming back after she's released and tell her I have put it in writing. I have two copies, one for her to sign and hand back to me.

FB: You want me to sign this?

Me: Yes....is there a problem?

FB: Well, if I'm going to sign my name to something I need to re-read it.

Me: Ok, its one short paragraph, 2 sentences. I'll have a seat if you're gonna need some time.

FB: (After reading it for what seemed like 15 fucking times) Mr. Efen..You do realize that we require a 10 day advance notice if your Mother isn't coming back? That you're responsible for the additional charges related to those 10 days?

Me: (Reminding myself that I have NEVER, EVER, punched a girl in her fat fuckin face)..Ok, If indeed you want to go down that road, then by all means, be my guest. I understand that I owe for the time that Mother has been in the hospital and not here, not a problem. ......BUT..Do YOU realize that the reason that my Mother HASN'T been here is because of the negligence by you and your staff? And.....guess who, if I'm going to be billed another 2 grand, that I'M going to hold responsible for her almost dying? And guess again whom I'm going after to recoup any monies that my Mother may have to pay for being in the hospital for over a week and any other costs associated? Sooooooo, you do what you have to do but believe me Missy, I'll do what I have to do as well. And...just in case you're thinking 'We have attorneys'.....well guess who I pay a retainer fee to each and every damn month?

(If she was so fuckin smart, she would have had me 'initial' the sentence she added to my letter, the one about me being aware of 'early termination fees..dumb, ugly fuckin c#*t......besides, it just so happens its my fuckin nature to live for shit like this, its one motherfuckin thing I excel at, so bring it, bitch)

Got all of Mothers belongings and bid adi-fuckin-os to that place. GawDamn...I just want to be left the fuck alone....... hmmm...how in the fuck is that workin out for me?

When it rains....it fucking pours!

Fuck me...I am so tired of posting negative shit. I long for the good ol' days when I could just rant about shit that pissed me off, but really didn't have that big of a direct effect on me. Evifuckindently those days are over...or at least on some sort of semi-permanent hiatus.

As some of you know, Mother is in a Nursing Home. I think she has finally accepted that as she has quit correcting people by saying 'Rehab Center' when they let the 'N word' slip.

I know she doesn't like it. Fuck...I fuckin hate it, the fact that she's in there along with the place itself. I am so sick and tired of hearing "I'm sorry, I thought 'she, they, them, her', etc were going to do what you had asked". Along with 50% of them acting like they're put out when you ask them to actually do their fucking job.

As you may have gathered, I have developed quite a 'Fan Club' within the Nursing Home Society...from the Nurses, to the Aides, to the Social Workers, all the way up to the Administrator himself. And to that I say.......... "Fuck each and everyone of you"...specifically those that I have had 'issues' with.

I'm not even going to get into the daily failures of those not doing their respective jobs. I have actually been beaten down to where I now expect half-ass performances and attitudes..not only 'expect', but now view it as 'thats how it is'......that is until you surpass even my lowly expectations. And...that is what transpired yesterday.

I had a scheduled meeting (called by the NH) to 'discuss' the 'Care Program' for my Mother. Believe me, I was so fuckin ready for this. Armed with a copious amount of 'notes', I was going to turn this into a 'You Don't Care Program' discussion. That is, until I stopped in to see Mother first. There she sat, with her legs, hands, and arms badly swollen, obviously having difficulty breathing, and so weak she barely spoke above a whisper. I had been there the night before and while she was 'alittle' swollen, all in all she seemed pretty good. She tells me she doesn't feel very good and really doesn't feel like talking much. I tell her I'll be right back and make a fuckin beeline for the Nurses Station.

Me (after spying the Nurse Supervisor): Has anyone noticed that my Mother is in full Congestive Heart Failure?

NS: Well, yes, we had noticed she was 'alittle' swollen so we have a call into the Doctor for some medicine.

Me: Really? You have a call into the Dr? And just when did you place this call?

NS: Let me check..oh, there it is...at 9:15 this morning.

Me: Are you serious? That was almost 6 fuckin hours ago! What if he never calls back, you just gonna tell me, after my Mother dies, that the Dr. never called you back? You gawdamn people are pathetic! Blame anyone but yourself..unfreakinbelieveable. You get on that GD phone and get an ambulance here and have her taken to the hospital, right freakin now.

NS: Uh..yessir.

I go in and tell Mother that she's headed to the ER and she tells me whatever I think is best. 30 minutes later the EMT's show up with one of them obviously frustrated that people don't recognize him for whom he really is...... Ben Casey, MD. This fuck starts asking me 'why?' as in "why do you think she's in CHF? Why do you think she's having trouble breathing? Is because she's swollen the only thing you're going on?" "what do you expect them to do in the hospital?"I turn to him and say "I don't have time for your fucking questions. Get her on that stretcher and get her to the hospital NOW".

We get to the ER (I have been there so much in the last 6 months I pretty well know most of them by name) and they get her right in. They do the X-rays, EKG, etc and its not long until the ER Doc comes in. He tells me its 'pretty serious' and its a good thing I got her there when I did. He then proceeds to tell me that her CHF is very bad, so bad that while they think she has pneumonia, due to the fluid in her lungs, they can't be certain..But, they're going to treat her as if she does, just to cover all bases. 6 hours later she's admitted and moved to her room. Actually, I thought 6 hours wasn't bad. One time it took 9 hours but they do do stuff pretty much the whole time and I realize it takes time to get some of the test results back.

She's better today. They have reduced the swelling a great deal but their concerned about her heart, so more tests continue. Later on today I'm going to a different NH and I'm going to 'interview' them. At least now I know what questions to ask. I pity the person who has to go through this, especially when you don't know what to look for and you place your trust in a total fucking stranger. That will never happen again....believe me.

No Use Bitchin..It is what it is..

Got a few minutes today so I thought I'd check-in ;)

I hope all had a good holiday. Personally, I'm glad it's over.

My Gawd...the amount of paperwork thats involved when someone dies is unfuckinbelievable. Of course, you can't do one damn thing without Certified Death Certificates and when I was asked how many I needed, I had no fuckin clue..so, I guessed and said "6". Seems to me the Funeral Director could have added some advice here. I quickly learned that said amount wasn't near enough so I upped my order by an additional 10.

In Missouri, they don't have any 'laws' stating how soon you get these (as they do in other states) so it took almost a month. Of course, everything was on fucking 'hold' until I could get these. I already had most of the paperwork filled out for the various insurance and financial institutions so when I got the DC's all I had to do was attach and (certified) mail. That was 13 days ago and still haven't received a response from any of 'em. Motherfucks.....yeah, take your sweet fuckin time...I'm in no hurry and don't let it concern you that every additional day just adds to my Mother's considerable angst.

It doesn't appear that my Mother is going to ever the leave the Nursing Home. To recap, she broke her shoulder in October, now, and who knows why, she can't walk, get out of bed, get dressed, etc etc, without being helped.

I came to this realization a few weeks back and at that time, I checked to see what 24/7 care would cost if she went home. The fuckin Nursing Home charges almost $6K/month (now that her Medicare has run out) and 24/7 Home Care is even more. WTF??? I'm still having trouble coming to an understanding as to why exactly the cost is so high (for either one). Yes, she does require assistance and some skilled care. Yes, they provide room and meals..but, at $200 per fuckin day? And...telephone, TV (you provide your own and pay for cable), laundry, medical transportation, toiletries, are all fucking extra? Geez.....maybe it's just me and I'm way off base but.........................

I considered having Mother move into my house but the fact that she isn't mobile creates an impossible scenario. Besides us not being home during the day, it would not be fair of me to Mrs. Efen....even though she said it would be ok.

My sister doesn't have any helpful ideas, actually, she doesn't have a fucking idea at all. All she brings to the party is "make sure you call me and let me know what's going on". Hmmm...I hope when I call you I'm not interrupting anything, like shopping, or napping, or whathefuckever.

One positive thing that is coming out of this is that my daughter is going to be moving into my parents house. I'm having the bathroom gutted and updated along with new paint throughout. My Mother likes this idea and my sister was fine with it...that is as long as I didn't change one thing and kept the house as it was. I asked her if it was one of her kids moving in would she expect them to live as their grandparents? "Well....no, but, I don't think 'we' need to do that much...I want the house to stay pretty much as I remember it, as I grew up in".

Do any of y'all have any fucking idea how hard it was for me not go fuckin ballistic? I understand that she was still reeling from the loss of our Father, that was she feeling considerable guilt for not being around more (not my problem though), that she was finally seeing the fact that our Mother would likely never step foot in her house again, but fuck, time to start being a little realistic though.

I finally gave her a 'compromise' (if that didn't work I was going to tell her that I was going to do what I wanted, because it was my right as one who has taken care of everyone and everything) which basically is going to end up with me doing things how I think they should be done anyhow.

If it turns out she isn't happy with my decisions, I'm going to remind her how all the decisions were left up to me from beginning and if they were good enough then, they're good enough now.

So...in a couple of weeks my daughter will have her own 3 BR, brick house, sort of. I'll take care of the upkeep and related bills but at least the house will remain 'in the family'. My parents had many good neighbors so that will help as well.

Geez....when I was her age, I lived in a 100 year old farm house that I shared with 3 of my drunken and drug-fueled buddies. I'm so glad she's more responsible than I was at her age ;)

Thank You All!

I want to offer my sincere thanks for every one's kindness and condolences. The words expressed touched me deeply. Each and every one of you will always hold a special place in my heart.

The support of friends and family is one thing that is immeasurable and I thank you all very much!

I'll be back when things settle down some. In case I miss it, I want to wish everyone a wonderful holiday season!!

An Open Letter..

Dear Dad,

I can never repay you for everything you have taught me. The value of providing for your family, the value of hard work, the value of accepting responsibility and being accountable. I know at times I was a 'slow learner' of those values, but I hope you saw me embrace those things as I got older.

I watched, as a kid, all the sacrifices you made so that my sister and I would have whatever we needed. Not understanding until years later exactly what you had done for us.

As I got older, I watched as you came to my house to fix things that had broken because you knew your son just wasn't all that handy. In reality, there were things that I would have had no problem doing but that was your thing and I knew how much you enjoyed it.

I watched as you smiled as I complained to you about your granddaughter, hearing you say "You know, she's no different than you were at that age". I just shook at my heard and wondered 'WTF?' when your grandkids would do things that I would have been killed for and hearing you say "They're just kids and those are things that kids do".

I watched as you took care of Mother for years when her health failed then watched you show patience that I had never seen when she got better.

I watched as your brothers would come to for any kind of help and saw how they looked up to you, even though they all had the same traits as you.

I watched as my daughter's face would light up whenever you two were together. You would gently tease her about things and later she would say to me "You know what Poppa said?"...then laugh as she repeated your every word.

I watched as you took your chemo and dialysis treatments, knowing full well you were doing those things because I had asked you to, for me, not for yourself.

The past 9 nine months were so hard on you. I watched as you struggled to do the daily things. I fought back tears whenever I asked how you felt and you said "I feel fine". You never, ever, complained or got depressed even though each week seemed to be harder on you.

We always had a great relationship, one that I thought couldn't get any stronger, but I was wrong. Over the past months, we have spent many extra hours together. Even though the circumstances were bad, I treasure the additional time we were able to be together. Talking about nothing in particular but both of us enjoying every minute.

I watched, with tears coming down my face, as the Doctor in ICU told you what the prognosis was. That was until you looked at me and said "Look...there's nothing to be upset about. I've lived a long and good life and I'm not scared or afraid. It's my time now. You and your sister will be just fine and I know you'll take care of your Mother"

I watched as you explained it to my daughter..."Honey, there's no need to cry. It's just like a train thats coming to the end of the line. I've accepted that so please don't feel sorry for me 'cause I sure don't. I'm so very proud of you".

I watched as I kissed you on the cheek and told you that I loved you and you looked me in the eye and said "I love you too, son" and then said 'Go home...you've been here all day. They'll take care of me....don't worry".

My Father passed away December 2nd, 3:15 AM. I will miss him terribly.

Summer Classes Now Being Offered!

Summer Classes for Women at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, May 15, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours b eginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Since I haven't been 'mfed' in awhile..I thought I'd just throw this out ;)

Note: Part 2 of 'Pink Houses' still to come

Little Pink Houses (And The Wedding)....Part 1

I know...its been awhile.

Dad's kidneys have gotten so bad, as a result from his blood cancer, that he's now on dialysis 3 times a week plus with with his bi-weekly chemo treatments, its all starting to take a pretty big toll on him. So, its been very hectic here in 'Efenland' and it doesn't appear to be getting better anytime soon. But.. we had a wedding to go to in Sarasota (wife's niece) and had made all the plans to ensure that everything was covered while we were gone.

Was all set for a week's vacation (or as they say in 'LauraVille'...vacay;) 1/2 of it in Key West and the other remaining time in Sarasota (for the wedding). That was until I got a phone call the Saturday night before we were leaving....at 9:32 PM to be exact. It was my Mother, telling me that she had slipped on a rug and that '911' was on the way. "Are you hurt?" I asked. "Well...I hit my head and there's alot of blood". I rush right over and the EMT's are there. I find my Mother in the bedroom, sitting on the floor with her back against the bed...and there's blood...blood fucking everywhere. They had a bandage around her forehead and I could see that her shoulder looked 'funny'.

I get Dad settled and off I go, following the ambulance to the hospital. It's now almost 10:30. They get her right into ER but thats where things slowed 'somewhat'. Her care was good but being that she has other medical conditions, test after test is performed..with a lengthy waiting period between each one. Finally the ER Dr. comes in and tells me that not only does she have a broken shoulder but its dislocated. He tried to put it back in but no luck. He said either an Ortho Surgeon could do it manually or he'd have to put it back surgically. Mom gets into her own room at 4:15 and I get home close to 5:00.

Well, our plane was supposed to leave in 6 hours so I get on the phone and cancel everything..plane, hotel(s), and car rentals. I felt really bad for my Mrs. Efen because I knew how much she had been looking forward to our trip and coupled with the fact that my sister was coming in from Orlando for the week to take care of my Dad, well, it seemed like a rare opportunity lost.

After seeing my Mother, I go to see Dad. The 1st question he asks is "What times your plane leaving?" I tell him the changes I made and he gets alittle pissed. "Listen, you've been dealing with me and your Mother for 10 months now, with no breaks at all. You need to get away from this crap. Your sister will be here in a couple of hours, she can handle everything....so go and quit worrying". Uh...wasn't sure what to do. Didn't what my sister walking into all of this w/o me here to help. I wait til she gets there and asks her what she thinks? She says 'GO'. Fuck...I was really feeling guilty about just leaving this for someone else to handle but my sister is more than capable so I decided we would. Couldn't do the Key West thing, just not enough time, that and the air fare had doubled.

Finally decided we'd fly into Tampa Monday night, drive to St. Pete Beach and stay at a hotel we had saw online until Thursday when we'd drive down to Sarasota, for the weekend wedding. Last minute trips are never cheap but the need to go far out-weighed the cost.

Arrive in Tampa Monday night and go to the car rental place. I found a pretty good deal on a 'mid-size' so I had that reserved. Go to the counter and give Rental Guy my name.

RG: Okay, got you all set-up. We have you in a very nice PT Cruiser!

Me: You can forget that.

RG: I don't understand.

Me: I won't pay you to drive a car I wouldn't be caught dead driving.

RG: Sir...most people love them!

Me: Thats great for 'most' people, I'm not one of them. I don't care what you have to do, upgrade me, whatever.

RG: Well...that will cost you more.

Me: I just said 'I don't care'...just put me in something that doesn't look like I'm trying to recapture my youth in a pretend 'cool car'.

RG: Okay..no problem. I'm sure you'd like to take out the additional insurance because etc etc etc etc etc etc

Me: (I tuned out all that shit after 'additional') Listen, I have a Corporate Insurance Policy and it even covers shit like being attacked by a plague of locusts or Jamaican drug smugglers so I don't need it or want it

RG: Let me explain the benefits to you...

Me: Let me explain something to you..You either rent me something at your jacked up last-minute price and forget the Insurance scam or I'll walk over there (me pointing) and rent something from them.

RG: Here ya go, Sir. Please sign here and have a nice trip.

Motherfuckers...they try to take advantage of people who don't know any better and those that are travel-weary and are too tired to 'fight back'. Gutless pricks...I hate 'em.

Now, we have to cross the street with all of our fucking bags, go up a fuckin elevator to the 4th level, them carry our shit another 50 fuckin yards to the 'Pick-up Kiosk'. I give the guy my papers, he hands me the keys and tells me 'Its in Spot 46....just up the ramp on your left'.

"WTF?? Are you fuckin tellin me that I have to go get this fuckin car MYSELF and drive it back here to load up our fuckin bags??? Are you fucking SERIOUS?"

'Uh...well...I can go get it for you, if you want?"

"Buddy...take a guess".

"Ok...I'll be right back".

Seriously...I'm renting this fucking over-priced car from them and they expect me to do part of their fucking job? Geezus...no wonder this country is so fucked up..I wouldn't be a bit surprised if this wasn't some sort of 'Company Policy'...fucking morons, from top to bottom.

I'm not going to even get into the phone call I received from the Car Rental place, after we had driven 20 fuckin miles, tellin me we left a bag at the Kiosk. You can pretty much guess who I blamed that on...I tell ya, that drive from Tampa to St. Pete Beach can be a pretty quiet one. But the hotel was very nice (as pictured) and soon all was forgiven...ok..I was forgiven ;)

Part 2 to follow...which includes some pretty funny shit ;)

Happy BD and a WTF?

First off, I want to wish 'Daddys Little Girl' a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Geez....seems like only yesterday she was born. Uh...not that she'll read this because she is blissfully unaware that 'Dad' has this blog thing ;)

Note to J-Fab.....the years FLY by so enjoy every moment when they're little...cuz when they get older they somehow develop a 'mouth' ;).........BUT, they do grow out of that stage..thankfully :)

Ok..here's my 'WTF?" This girl I know (who happens to be quite 'hot'....go figure ;) calls me Tuesday afternoon and asks if I have tickets for the Cardinals day game the next day. I say that I do and I'm going. She asks if she can go too and I tell her I do have an extra ticket and she'd be welcome (duh....) She's all excited and shit and tells me she can't wait. A couple of hours later she calls back and asks if I can pick her on my way to the game. Well....she does have really, really big boobs so 'of course' I say yes. We leave it as she's gonna call me the next morning and we'd set the time then. I'm meeting two other people at the game and since its a 1:15 start, I had already told them we'd meet about 12:30. Plenty of time to hit a bar or two on the way to the ballpark.

Wednesday morning rolls around and its now 10:30 and I haven't heard from her so I call.....right to fuckin voicemail...so I text her, saying we'd need to leave by noon. I head up to 'SV' for lunch because no way can I drink on an empty stomach. Well...I CAN but the aftermath can get pretty funny.......or ugly...depending on your outlook.

At 11:40 I get a text from her.."sorry.....just woke up (not surprised)...call you in a few minutes". I text my buddies tellin them it would probably be 12:45 before I got there. I finish lunch and its now Noon.....and nuthin....no call, no text. I give her 10 more minutes...still nuthin...'fuck this'...so off I go. It only takes me about 20 minutes to get downtown so I'm there at 12:30...as planned. I called my buddy along the way, tellin him I had an extra ticket if he knew anyone (he works in a big office downtown), to give it to them.

We all meet up, stop for a couple of beers, and walk to the stadium. It's now 1:10...."Ringggggggg.....Ringggggggg".....

Me: Hello?

Her: Okay....I'm ready!

Me: You know what time it is?

Her: A little after 1:00.

Me: Didn't I tell you we needed to leave by Noon?

Her: Are you THERE?....You're at the GAME?

Me: Did you fucking think and I was going sit around and wait...not knowing if you were going or not? Besides...you said you call 'in a few minutes'...and that was 1 1/2 hours ago.

Her: (Silence).........uh, then I guess you're not going to come and pick me up?

Me: Nope...not at all.

Her: Well, I thought we were going and cancelled other plans.

Me: Listen...I'm not going argue about this. I upheld my end, you overslept...not my fault, you said you'd call me back in a few minutes..you didn't..plus, I had people waiting for me. If you can't understand the concept of responsibility, again, not my fucking problem.....click......

She called back but I hit 'ignore'....fuck that shit.

Geez....you'd a thought we were sleeping together or sumthin (her showin me her boobs like a hundred times don't count)

I'm not asking if you think I was right or wrong...I know I was fucking right. Frankly, I'm too old to babysit or hand hold....if you're not mature enough or don't have a sense of responsibility...then I don't have any time to waste on your sorry ass. Besides.....she has a twin sister... ;)

Please.....Don't light the oven, my head is in it.

Lets get a couple of things handled first:

My dear Elle...I am very sorry about your nephews friend. Its hard enough to get through life at that age without having to deal with something as tragic as that. Being forced to question your mortality at such a time in your life simply isn't right...or fair. My prayers and wishes go out to everyone who has been touched by this.

And....I truly feel terrible I forgot your birthday but I hope you had a great day...in spite of me forgetting ;)

To everyone else, you have my apology and believe me, I am suitably contrite.

Okay, on to the business at hand....Things have been, how can I put this eloquently.....oh, I know.....fucked.

As many of you know, my Dad has been going through all that chemo shit and until the past couple of weeks, hasn't been effected much by its side-effects. That was until the itching started. Its pretty much a constant a thing, itching from one part of his body to another. So, now on top of the fatigue from the chemo, he can't sleep more than a couple of hours, then the itching wakes him up, plus the blood cancer caused his arthritis to go into 'overdrive' and its hard for him to walk. I feel so bad for him, looking at him, knowing he's tiring rapidly of all of this, but never a complaint.

My Mother on the other hand, makes me want to scream "WTF is your problem, NOW?" She's been in semi-poor health for several years now and all during that time, Dad waited on her hand and foot.....even more that I thought he needed to but fuck, I'm not gonna tell my Dad what he should or shouldn't be doing.

Mother is and has been, 100% convinced that she has some sort of illness, not a simple one mind you, but one that is basically a death sentence. I have had her to every one of her fucking doctors and they have all told her basically the same thing (after running tests and tests and tests)....the reason she's tired and run down and losing weight is because she doesn't fucking eat! Her muscles ache because shes having to burn them as fuel because shes using up more calories than shes taking in....and the lack of any exercise just makes the problem worse. Actually, her Lung doctor told her point blank "If you don't start eating, you will die...and that won't be far off'

Did this have any fucking effect..oh yeah....for maybe 7-10 days. She won't take her 'psyc meds'

because of one lame fucking excuse or another, even her Dr. told her besides making her feel 'less anxious' it would increase her appetite...nope, those weren't good enough reasons, evidently. In short, she won't help herself but will moan and complain about how she feels. All this during a time that my Dad could really use the help.

Today, I bring Dad home after he got a transfusion. He's in a real good mood and we talk all way the back. We walk in the house, there's Mother, sitting on the couch with 'that look'. Theres also some lady (Joyce) there, a friend, whom I had never met. I ask Mother whats wrong? She's weak (duh?), and her lower back hurts when she bends over. She went to the Dr. last week so I ask her if he had called with the test results? No, but I'm probably going to have to be put in the hospital, she tells me. Okay, I am in no fucking mood for this, so I tell her 'Call him then, call me at work and let me know...I gotta go'. She then tells me 'Joyce' can take her to the hospital if she has to go.

Let me tell y'all something, No one, I mean no one (well, maybe my sister if she would deem it at all fucking necessary to come back for a week) would take either of my parents to the hospital except me, and my Mother knows that very fucking well...but I wasn't playing that fuckin game, so I said "That would be nice of her". Fuck that shit...I was (and am) pissed by the whole motherfuckin thing.

'Joyce' then decides its her unalienable right to stick her fucking nose in my fucking business......."Efen...I think your Mother should call the doctor now and you should wait to see what he says".

"Really, Joyce..thats what you think I should do?....You think the Dr. is going to drop everything and take her call or do you think I should just sit here for 5-6 hours waiting for him to call back?"

She gave me that "I have never seen such an uncompassionate son in my whole life' look...thats fine, I gave her my 'Shut the fuck up and mind your own fuckin business with your 1980's hairdo' look.

Dad sat there and as I left, he gave me his 'I don't blame you' look. Dad was always a cool guy ;)

The more I thought about it later, I decided Mother is correct, she does need to go in the hospital...and if they don't find anything wrong, then she should head over to the 'psyc ward' for a month or two. Besides that getting her hopefully better, Dad and I need a break.

Yeah, I know...I sound like a real prince of a guy. Ya know what, right now I don't give one flying fuck.

Random Thoughts....

Okay, Okay....I know I've been extremely remiss of my blogs duties lately. Its not that I don't give a fuck, just been alittle overwhelmed with some other things. Once my planets are back in perfect alignment (whatever the fuck that means), I'll be doing all the shit I'm supposed to.

Meanwhile, here's some more shit I stole ;)

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with sticks when they've invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. That's enough, Nickelback.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at a bar. I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get the fuck out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories

35. Whenever I'm internet stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lights than Kay.

63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat ass before dinner.

Photos (ok...I admit, I aint got nuthin)

Please feel free to add your own captions ;)




Hmmmm....Where the fuck was taken....the Bates Motel??

There's waaaay more than one question here.

Guess who got invited to the prom.........by another couple.

He figured that matching earrings would be alittle 'over the top'

Looks like Mom may not be too fuckin happy about this 'union'.

Safety first! Don't forget to 'buckle-up'.

Nothing says 'I Love You' like a dose of GHB.

Really?? The only spot you could find for her in your 'group' was under a fucking chair?

'Junior' just got the word that he was named 'TV Evangelist of The Year'

(Updated) This is pretty darn cool!

You'll have to turn up your speakers...

AND...for all you FaceBook users, here's one that I liked :)

Y'all probably saw this on TV but since it made me smile (and I'm normally alittle stodgy in regards to tradition), I thought it was worth a post.

The Home Run Derby & The All Star Game

I realize if you aren't into baseball then my affinty for the sport and its history is something you find hard to understand...but I had so much fun this past week....possibly even more than I did in '06 at the World Series.

My brother-in-law came in Sunday evening...and he's more into baseball than even I am. By 9:00 AM Monday, we were already downtown and headed to the 'FanFest'. This event is so freakin cool! Basically, its the Convention Center filled with all kinds of inter-active stuff for the kids, tons and tons of memorabilia, radio broadcasts, celebrities walking around, and most importantly, members of baseballs Hall of Fame (HOF)...everywhere you looked! I was in fucking baseball heaven!

I got to meet several of them as well as getting their autographs and pictures. It was just so fucking cool and they were some of the nicest people you'd ever meet. Keep in mind, these were guys I watched when I was kid....and I wasn't disappointed at all.

Went to the HR Derby, which strangely enough isn't something I care all that much about but since Albert and Ryan Howard (hometown boy) were participating, I wanted to catch at least an hour of it. We left about 8:30 because I had made dinner reservations at Shannons (owned by the former player and current Cardinals broadcaster) for 9:00.

Man...was that fucking cool at Shannons. Here's some of the people that were either seated very close or walked by: Whitey Herzog, Lou Brock (HOF), Bob Gibson (HOF), Ken Griffey, Sr., Bruce Sutter (HOF), Jason Bartlett (SS for Tampa Bay) and a couple of guys from the MLB network.

The All-Star Game was very cool, except for the AL winning. The atmosphere rivaled any World Series game that I have been to. The only thing that REALLY sucked was that everyone entering the stadium had to go through metal detectors and then get 'the wand'. This led to lines that were sooooo fucking long, just to get inside....plus they had all kinds of streets and highways closed. All of this was courtesy of Obama. Why Presidents have to show up for these events is beyond me. Don't they get the 'spotlight' enough on a daily basis? Luckily, since we were downtown by 11:00, we weren't affected by the street closings. BUT....I do admit, seeing the snipers on top of the stadium was pretty cool ;)

My apologies to 'The Girl'.....didn't see Utley or Howard anywhere prior to the All-Star game and I wasn't about to go inside the stadium 4 hours prior to game time (once in, you couldn't leave, which meant 'No Smoking') to get their autographs...I'm sure you understand.....right???? ;)

All in all...a great fucking time :)

Ok...a few pictures;

Main Entrance:

Pre-HR Derby:

View from my seats:

How amazing is this?

He actually apologized for being in the picture..I laughed and told him the back of his shirt is what I wanted. In case you can't make it out, it says 'U.S. Secret Service'.

See the snipers on the catwalk:

Self-Explanatory ;)

Shannons: